Saturday, October 08, 2005
Every day that I'm alive, I seem to hate more and more people more and more thoroughly...fuck you...fuck you very much!
Some New Tsuris
1:01 AM
Thursday, October 06, 2005
A- Age: 21
B- Band you are listening to right now: Harvey Danger...obscure much?
C- CD Last Purchased: Probably either Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon or Dirty Rotten Scoundrels cast album
D- Dad's name: Ben
E- Easiest people to talk to: Max, Lauren, Camille, Jeni
F- Favorite ice cream- I've never met an ice cream I didn't like
G- Gummy worms or gummy bears?: Gummy Worms all the way... and not the sour, sugar-coated kind..
H- Hometown: Evansville
I- Instruments: Guitar (electric and acoustic), bass, piano, hand percussion
J- Junior High: Oak Hill Middle School
K- Kids: none, nor will there ever be....but i do have a niece and a nephew
L- Longest car ride ever: the 14 1/2 hr. drive back from New York
M- Mom's name: Kathy
N- Nickname: Burgy, Burgdorf, Nate, Big Nate, Nate Dogg, Burg, Tobichael
P- Phobias: (is it bad that I corrected the spelling? it was originally spelled "Phobeas") spiders and crickets
Q- Quote: "I'm drowning in assholes!" from Igby Goes Down
R- Reason to smile: Good times with good people, a great performance, a good joke
S - Song you sang last: "Saw Red" by Sublime
T- Time you woke up today: 10am
U- Unknown/Little known fact about me: I'm not gay...bastards...
V- Vegetable[s] you hate: Broccoli, cauliflour, asparagus, etc...
W- Worst habit: smoking, swearing, night-time snacking
X- X-rays you've had: broken arm, lungs, back, and ankle
Y - Years since you've been to church: about one
Z- Zodiac sign: Cancer...kinda forboding huh?
Some New Tsuris
5:26 PM
Wednesday, October 05, 2005
so i went to type in the URL for blogger, and the keyboard didn't feel right...so i looked down , and it was upside down....i'm a moron. (note: I have a wireless keyboard and mouse, and no computer chair, so I type sitting on the floor leaning against my bed with the keyboard on my lap. This is the way the upside-down keyboard was possible).
every time i blog, i get the feeling that fewer and fewer people read this f-ing thing. Maybe its because i only update it once a month. eh.
so i got the job a Hacienda. I've been working there about 3 weeks. Its a lot of fun. I get paid this Fri., so that makes it sooooooooooooo much more fun....'cause being broke and oweing lots of money sucks. trust me.
so i've been deep in thought. WHAT THE FUCK AM I GOING TO DO WITH MY LIFE?!?! seriously? How does one begin the journey into what they will be for the rest of their life? I'm sick of school. I can't keep going back to school, lying to myself about wanting to be there. I don't. I need to put my ass in gear and move forward. But how? I don't even know where to begin, and frankly, i'm terrified. I don't want to stay here.
Johnny has no guide
Johnny can decide
How can you soar
When you're nailed to the floor?
thats how i feel. I'm trying to get up and move forward, but my feet are nailed to the floor and i have no way of prying them up. I hate it.
With every day that passes, I feel like I have less and less and less to offer. Its so easy for some people...why not me? Why can't I be goal-oriented and organized? Why can't I know what I want, and follow the path to get there? Why can't I commit to a goal? I've tried...I don't understand how it all works.
My life is in such a sad state of complacency and boredom right now. I'm just in this rut and i can't get out of....
fuck it for now...i'm gonna go do more of the same ol' shit...
Some New Tsuris
10:21 PM
Wednesday, September 07, 2005
hey all...its about 1:30am and I decided to pop onto the ol' Blogger and update. Nothing really significant to say...yet. I interviewed at Hacienda last night. It went well I feel. The manager is supposed to call me sometime this week and set up a time for a second interview. Hopefully I get this job. I need this job. I need a job. I'm so sick of not having a job. Here's hopin'.
So I had a pretty fun weekend. Went out to USI on Fri. to see some of the theater folk. It was fun. Saturday night, Lauren and Camille had a small party at their new apartment, which was a blast. Sunday night....Lauren and Camille had a small party at their new apartment again, which was also a blast. After the party died down, a group of us (Lauren, Camille, Lane, one of Camille's friends, and I) went to Denny's. It was a good time. Last night I had the interview, but other than that I did absolutely nothing. Tonight, I went to my bro's house to watch the kids whilst he and Eric went and fixed someone's computer. Then Ben came back and we watched a movie and drank some beer. Also a good time.
Time for some Burgdorf wisdom/ranting. Why is it that many people feel incomplete when they are single? I mean even intelligent, independent people feel a lack of something when they aren't in a meaningful relationship. I wish I understood why, 'cause maybe then I could fix myself. I'm depressed again. The reasons, I'm pretty sure, are that 1) I don't have a job... I'm feeling unproductive and useless right now. b) I'm single... I don't like being single. However, I also don't like being tied down to any one person exclusively. I haven't done it in a while, so maybe that has changed since my last relationship. I don't know. Its all very baffling. How is it that I am SO GOOD at everyone else's relationships, and I suck so badly at my own. Lisa told me I should have my own Loveline-esque show. That's how good I tend to be at other people's relationships. I, on the other hand, have never had a relationship which lasted over 2 months. That is sad. That is disheartening. Maybe its a case of "those who don't do, teach." I don't know.
Thats all for now. I had a whole rant, but its basically a repetition of my last post.
"Shine on you crazy diamond!" -- Pink Floyd
Some New Tsuris
1:23 AM
Friday, September 02, 2005
well its 4:15am and I CAN'T SLEEP. This sucks. I have a lot on my mind, but I don't think that that's it. I'm just not at all tired. I mean usually if I can't sleep because i'm thought-ridden, I'm at least tired. Ugh.
I'm sitting here watching The Last 5 Years on my computer (god bless Broadway bootlegs!). I forgot just how much I love this show. What a dream it would be to be able to be in this show. I would love to do just like an independant production of this. I would love to direct and star in this show. Plus, I am totally in love with Sherie Rene Scott. How amazing she is.
Watching this show, ironically enough, really makes me long for that one person. Whoever it is. Tonight, I was talking to Lisa about some relationship conundrum she was in, and that also got me thinking about relationships and such. I think my biggest problem, when it comes to relationships, is that I have trouble meeting new people. If you know me, you may not believe this. I just don't know how to approach new people. Some people are blessed with this skill. I'm not. I just don't think I relate to a lot of people well. Lets face it, I'm an odd duck. I think a lot of it is because I'm so self-conscious. People tell me I'm "a handsome guy", but I just don't see it. I know no one thinks that they're attractive...at least no one who isn't arrogant. On top of this self-consciousness,or rather because of it, is my fear of rejection. I just assume that if I pursue something beyond friendship with a girl, she will turn me down. I've always been the "big brother." Don't get me wrong, I love being the guy that my lady-friends can come to with their problems. I love being that nurturer and that reassurance that things will be ok. But I also want to be more than that to someone. The problem is that I either fall for women who a) are unattainable for one reason or another or b) have baggage that I don't have the ability to deal with. Its just hard to differentiate between how it would actually be with that girl, and how I imagine it will be with her. Back to that phrase that keeps circling through my head... I'm not in love with the girl in front my eyes, but rather the girl behind my eyes. The idea of her. I am seriously ready, now, to have someone beyond what I imagine they would be like, were we to pursue a relationship. I want to deal with the baggage now. I want to have the fights and the quarrels and everything. Because thats normal. Thats what people do. I feel like I'm outside of life, looking in.
I've also come to realize how judgmental I can be. Maybe not judgmental, but how high of standards I have for people. I've excluded people from my life that I felt "weren't good enough for me." I now realize how shitty that is. I mean just because someone doesn't think the same way I do doesn't mean that they're stupid. It doesn't make them worth any less than someone who does. It just makes them different. Maybe I can learn something from that difference in thought. In my mind, I have trashed too many people who didn't deserve it. I'm not as smart as I like to think that I am. There are things I'm very smart about. I'm a great giver of advice, I know a shit-ton about movies, music and theater, I have pretty good common sense, and I know how to make people feel better about themselves. But beyond that, I'm not too quick on the uptake. I'm just a very insecure person, and so I act like I know more than I do. I put on a half-cocky/half-charming front to impress people, and I think a lot of people see that and forgive me for it.
I also tend to end things before I can get hurt. When i was dating Sarah I did that. Things were going really well, and I had a feeling that it wasn't going to last, so I blew things out of proportion and ended it. Same thing with other girls I've dated. I feel I've now gotten over that though (jesus, it only took 4 years...) and I can approach a relationship less cerebrally (is that a word?). I just want someone I can hold in my arms and love. Someone who I know will be there for me no matter what stupid bullshit I do or say...and someone who will call me out on it, and then forgive me for it. Is that too much to ask? Maybe it is... I don't know. I just want to be a part of something great. Both professionally and personally. I can't get this delusion of grandeur out of my head...maybe its not a delusion. Maybe I am destined for greatness...but if so, why does the outcome seem so bleak?
ok...well its 5am now, and I'm starting to get sleepy. Got some Billy Joel playing now (L5Y ended) and I think I've cleared at least a good chunk of the worries out of my head. Now if only I could find a job. That would wipe out about another big chunk of worry.
"How I wish
How I wish you were here
We're just two lost souls
Swimming in a fishbowl
Year after year..."
---
Wish You Were Here by Pink Floyd
Some New Tsuris
4:11 AM
Thursday, September 01, 2005
so yeah...its been a while. between looking for a job, deciding to NOT go to USI this semester, deciding to go to Ivy Tech this semester, temporarily working on Max's new house, and catching up with people, i've not had much time to blog. As previously mentioned, I have forsaken USI this semester for Ivy Tech. My major at Ivy Tech is Building and Construction Managment....but i really just wanna take some classes that'll help me in the scene shop. Its actually not what I thought it would be. Its a lot of drafting and such. I want hands on carpentry experience. Maybe after this semester I'll go back to USI part time. Maybe I'll try to EVSC's vocational thing for adult education. I don't know. First thing is first though. Must find a job. I hate job hunting. I always feel unhirable or unqualified for jobs. I'm for damn sure not going back to Fazoli's. Hopefully job offers will start coming in.
so a phrase has been stuck in my head all night. Its something that I'm pretty sure
I made up. I can't figure out where else I would have heard it.
"I'm not in love with the girl in front of my eyes...
I'm in love with the girl behind them.
It's the idea of you I love."
I have no idea where it came from. I think its just because often the idea of being with someone is a lot more pleasant than actually being with that person. Since that seems to apply a LOT in my life (not just with da ladies, but with a lot of things) its sort of become my mantra if you will.
I got nothing else to say right now. peace, love and special sauce...
"That is one sassy stove!" --- this guy i worked with at Glimmerglass...its a long story..if you really care to know it, just ask...
Some New Tsuris
2:51 AM
Wednesday, August 03, 2005
3 words....I'M BACK BITCHES!!! just got home from NY today....i'm f-ing tired. So to bed i go...i'll post more when i've had more sleep (i've not slept since 10am EDT yesterday morning...its now midnight CDT...thats 38 hours...)
Some New Tsuris
11:57 PM
