This is a new song I just wrote...its my ode to Evansville...and how like no matter how boring it is, you always return, or you miss it a lot. Its almost an addiction...here goes

Welcome to Nowhere

[Chorus]
Welcome to Nowhere
A place more ordinary
Without an interesting story
The dreary delusion
With little confusion
Will find its little place
In your heart

Its an addiction
And affliction
A masochistic crucifixion
It gets in you blood
And opiate flood
The wholesome
The perfect
The good

[Chorus]

Its a humdrum
A conundrum
The place where I come from
An American purgatory
Without an interesting story
The dreary delusion
With little confusion
Will find its little place in your heart

[Chorus]

Some New Tsuris
4:03 AM

oh the predicaments of life. I just remembered I have a paper due in English on Fri....it is 1am on Fri. now, do I go to sleep now, wake up at 9 so i have write my paper before class at noon? or do I stay up late and write the paper now? oh the predicaments of life.

Some New Tsuris
1:58 AM

wow...ok so i finally have an interesting story to tell.

so I was at Wesselman's Park working on my monologue for Elliot's Acting 1 class, and I was there for like an hour and a half, but I totally lost track of time. Well all of a sudden this bright light flashes me and once my eyes readjusted, i realized it was a cop car. So I started making my way back to my truck, and he gets out of his car and informs me that the park closed at 11...its like 12:15 at this point so I was there after it closed. He asks me for my ID, then he pats me down and radios in my info just to make sure I check out. After he gets a radio back that I am in fact Nathan Burgdorf: Caucasian Male, we proceed to have a 5 minute conversation about theater. He was actually very supportive of my theater career. He was like "oh you can make it...its a dog-eat-dog world out there, but if you keep at it, you can make it."weeeeeiiiird. He was a nice guy though. Apparently he could relate because his job is similar to theater in that you have to do so much work that you dont get any credit or praise for. Apparently he had saved some guy's life the other day, but he got in trouble because he didn't do something exactly by the book. That sucks though. If ya saved someone's life, you saved someone's life. He should have gotten credit for it. oh well. c'est la vie. anywho, that is my story for the night. i'm still kinda baffled though. ok well i'm going to bed.

"Lets go..."
"Yes, lets go..."
[They do not move] --- Vladamir and Estragon from Waiting For Godot

Some New Tsuris
1:27 AM

OOOH my god!! I hope this pans out!!!

Some New Tsuris
2:39 PM

Somtimes fixing the source of the problem doesn't lead to a resolve. The residual damage has been done. That sucks. Enough about that.

So Laramie is done....over...finished...unless of course we are accepted into ACTF, in which case we get to do it again. Had a really good run I feel... only one crappy night, in which I curled up into the fetal positioned and bawled my eyes out (not really...but that one was for Kay). People have been coming up to me the past week or so and telling me how much they loved the show. A few people have also told me how it really changed the way they look at things and/or their lives. That has been the absolute most humbling thing I've ever been involved in. I was involved with something which affected someone on the most personal of levels. Incredibly humbling. As much as I'm going to miss the show, I'm so happy to be done with it. Now, onto Playboy of the Western World. I'll be donning my Irish accent and playing a drunkard. yay for that. We've already blocked acts 1 and 2, and we roughly blocked 3...tomorrow we refine 3, Sun. we're off book and then the fun starts. I can't believe we are already this far ahead. I have a feeling this is going to be a really really fun show. Hopefully less stressful than Laramie was. I think it will be. Its more of a lighthearted piece. Not so much anal retentiveness is required of this show. Its just a totally different experience so far than Laramie was.

So the parents have been out of town for 3 days now. This makes a slightly less sad Burgdorf. I really need to move out of this house though. Its starting to get really old. Perhaps next semester....who knows.

" I love that word "relationship". Covers all manner of sins, doesn't it?"---from Love Actually

Some New Tsuris
11:47 PM

ok....so i put in one of my old mixed CDs and i came across this song. I had completely forgotten about it. It pretty much sums up my feelings on my not believing when people say "I love you", even in the platonic sense. Thats one of many reasons I've been so down. People tell me they love me all the time, but I feel that they dont mean it. here goes.

More Than Words
by Extereme

Saying "I love you"
Is not the words I want to hear from you
Its not that I want you
Not to say
But if you only knew
How easy it would be to
Show me how you feel

More than words
Is all you have to do
To make you real
Then you wouldn't have to say
That you love me
'Cause I'd already know

What would you do
If my heart was torn in two?
More than words to show you feel
That your love for me is real
What would you say
If I took those words away?
Then you couldn't make things new
Just by saying "I love you"

Now that I've tried to
Talk to you and make you understand
All you have to do is close your eyes
And just reach out your hand
And touch me
Hold me close
Don't ever let me go

More than words
Is all I never needed you to show
Then you wouldn't have to say
That you love me
'Cause I'd already know

More than words

Some New Tsuris
11:44 PM

Today was a good day. I'm still not in a good mood, but at least it was a good day. Had a GREAT run of the show tonight. Probably the best I've done so far. OMG Annabelle and Miranda were at the show tonight. I haven't seen them in probably 5 or so years. WEEEEEIIIRRRD. It was really good to see them and get to talk to them again.

So people really piss me off sometimes. Not really any ONE person, but people. ok i lied. certain people are pissing me off right now. I'm not going to mention names, because i feel that is just rude. however, certain attitudes shall be discussed in 3...2...1....aaaand go.

OK, i understand if you dont like someone. No one says you have to like anybody, but that still doesn't give you the right to talk to them and treat them like shit. So the dude acts like a 12 year old sometimes. What the fuck has he done to you? nothing. He's a nice guy. Don't demean him because you're having a bad day or because things aren't going well for you. Also, if someone is trying to be sympathetic and boost your spirits, dont be a bitch to them. It may not be what you want to hear, but be courteous. A simple, "Thanks..." or "please, i just wanna be left alone right now..." will suffice. Don't fuckin' yell at them or treat them like shit. do we see a common theme here? It just pisses me off. I've had plenty of bad days. Most of the time I feel like shit. But I have not been curt with ANYONE. ya know why? because i have fucking manners. I know that people are still people whether i like them or not. People have feelings, and you don't have the right to trample upon them. Get off of the Pretentious Turnpike, pull your head out of your ass and, god forbbid, say thanks. hell, smile even. It won't hurt you...I swear! Jeezy Creezy (don't call me Jeezy Creezy)

whew! i got unleashed there. but it had to be said (or typed...I opted for the latter).

Some New Tsuris
1:50 AM

This is just a little something i wrote tonight...hoping to turn it into a song. This is kinda how I feel right now. Its also a message that some people in my life should know.

You're bleeding
empty and still
You're bruised
tired and ill
abandoned, lonely
forsaken and weary
your face is dirty
your eyes are teary

When everyone has gone
and left you all alone
I will bring you the world
and carry the weight of it all
When there's nothing
and no one
I will be here for you

You're crying
yet tears go unseen
you feel chilled
in your bloodstream
your soul is ravaged
your heart has been raped
your spirit has been demeaned

When everyone has gone
and left you all alone
I will bring you the world
and carry the weight of it all
When there's nothing
and no one
I will be here for you

Some New Tsuris
1:28 AM

"When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself." -Peter O'Toole

this was on Jen's away message....and I laughed HYSTERICALLY!!! 200 cool points for Jen

Some New Tsuris
9:18 PM

i now understand why the Gaelic language is no longer in prominent use...because its really fucking hard to pronounce....

Some New Tsuris
1:42 AM

ok so after posting my last post (the one about the Gaelic language), I decided that thats not a real post, and i wanted to have a real post. so here goes. let the bitchfest commence

I think i've pinpointed one part of my sadness. Boredom. I always feel that I'm encroaching upon other people's time, so i end up not doing anything with anyone. Then i start to feel resentful that they wouldn't want to spend time with me. That is really stupid because I dont even KNOW if they want to spend time with me. I always figure that if they want to do something, they'll call me. But they're probably thinking the same thing about me. its a vicious cycle. That in turn gives way to jealousy. Like why is person A someone that he/she wants to be with, but not me? Perhaps I should see someone about all this. I mean really. Its starting to affect my life. I get so down that its almost debilitating (sp?). I dunno. Its getting to the point where even things I once enjoyed are making me sad. Like I'll go to Denny's or to Barnes or something with someone, and I have a good time while I'm there, but once I leave, I get all depressed because I'm no longer doing that thing that gives me joy. I feel that whatever I attempt, I fail at. Anytime anyone pays me a compliment, i get the sense that they're saying that just to make me feel better, and they dont really mean it. If I could just quit everything I'm doing and stay in bed and watch movies for a few months, i probably would....will finish this later....

Some New Tsuris
1:37 AM

questions i would like to ask God (if in fact he's there and listening):

Why am I so sad?
When do I get to be happy?
Why the hell does blogger run so slow?

I'm very tired, so I'm gonna try to keep this brief.

The show is going so well. I'm totally happy with it. I don't this we could ask for a better run thus far. If you've not been in the loop, here's the rundown.

The Laramie Project
in the Mallette Theater at USI
Sat - 8pm
Thurs- 7pm
Fri- 8pm
Sat - 8pm
Sun- 2pm

If you're in E-ville, and you've not seen the show yet, get off your ass, get your tickets, and come see a really damn good show.

that having been said, i'm going to bitch now. On my last post, I quoted Angels In America. The more I think about that quote, the more it seems to fit the motif of my life ya know? No matter who I love or how much I love them, it just never seems good enough. My heart feels deficient. To quote Tick, Tick...BOOM!, my heart "feels like a clean up batter on a team that ain't a winner." My soul hurts.

Why am I so fucking down all the time. Even when good things happen I'm sad. and when i'm not sad, i just feel numb. sure there are moments of happiness, but they're just ephemeral and fleeting. when do i get to be content with life? what is so wrong with me that fortune feels it can't shine on me? Why is it everytime something good DOES happen, something far worse over shadows it? Why am I still awake at quarter til 3 AM?

going to bed. lets hope something breaks the meloncholy soon.

Some New Tsuris
2:39 AM

"We have reached a verdict, your honor. This man's heart is deficient. He loves, but his love is worth nothing." ---Prior from Angels in America

sometimes thats how i feel about myself...

Some New Tsuris
11:53 PM

And this is just to piss off all of you femenists out there!!! My how far we have come since the 50's

Some New Tsuris
1:09 PM

They Might Be Giants, or They Might Be Broadway Musical Composers!!!

Some New Tsuris
11:10 AM

oye oye oye oye oye

as i quote an anxious old Jewish man.......anywho

soooo Laramie opens in....oh...TOMORROW! really excited but still kinda nervous. a few kinks must still be worked out, but I trust they shall be worked out before performance time. It'll be nice to have a break once its over....oh wait....i dont get a break....'cause then I have Playboy rehearsals and such....and the Madrigals.....DOES THE MADNESS EVER STOP?!?!?! Eh, i do it to myself though, so i really can't complain. sooo i'm gonna stop complaining.

so appearently, John (my director) wants to "bottle me up and take me home with him sometimes"...is that disturbing?? considering he's told me that when i'm on stage, he "adores" me and "has a crush on me"....i think he was just saying i have good stage presence....but he has a questionable past involving being a drag queen (not true...but that one was for you Lauren) so i dunno...between him, the psycho-sex-banshees, and Yosh (Josh version Gay.0), its been an interesting run of the show. and apparently there's something naughty going on between the Matts Mickleson and Galoway (Myself and Steven). I apologize if none of this makes any sense....those in the show should probably get most of this.

Talked to Lisa G. on the internet for like 10 minutes, then on the phone for like 30-45 minutes....she's a good kid....i miss her a lot. We reminisced about the old times...told some new stories...a good time was had.

so i'm still kinda in "sad mode" right now...i think its just a chronic condition. like little things are really starting to bug me again. Like people who never shut up about their relationships when its going well, and then bitch all the time when its not...drive me up the f*cking wall. like i dont mind if someone wants to talk about their guy/girl problems with me. thats fine. i encourage it. but don't uninvitedly regale me with every little detail about your relationship/sex life. thats just rude and annoying. its like going up to a homeless guy and showing him a picture of the mansion you just bought. or waving to a guy with no hands and bein' like, "hey..look at this hand...this fucker is useful...i'm gonna go pick something up now..." its just fuckin' uncalled for and kinda asshole-esque... wow...i got kinda unleashed there for a minute....i do apologize.

to all of my lady friends going through major "fuck guys" issues right now, i just want to apologize on behalf of my entire gender, and assure you, not all of us are evil....just a vast majority.

umm....i do believe that is all....if i think of anything else, i'll post it...

"Am I the only one
Who gets to make you laugh?
Laugh until you cry
Am I the only one
Who asks you to go
Go on without me?
Am I the only one
Who loves when you leave
Your hair down in front of your eyes?

And who
Who do you think I am
And who
Who do you think I'll be
Without you

Am I the only one
Who had to dress you up
To see how you fell down?
Am I the only one
Who needs you to go
Go on about me?
Am I the only one
Who loves when you leave
Your hair down in front of your eyes?

And who
Who do you think I am?
And who
Who do you think I'll be
Without you?

Some New Tsuris
1:56 AM

after reading someone's blog, i felt this song was appropriate for them. enjoy

Louder Than Words
from Tick, Tick...BOOM!

Why do we play with fire?
Why do we run our finger through the flame?
Why do we leave our hand on the stove
Although we know we're in for some pain?
Why do we refuse to hang a light
Whenthe streets are dangerous?
Why does it take an accident
Before the truth gets through to us?

Cages or
wings:
Which do you prefer?
Ask the birds
Fear or love baby?
Don't say the answer
Actionsspeak louder than words

Why should we try to be our best
When we can just get by and still gain?
Why do we nod our heads
Although we know the boss is wrong as rain?
Why should be blaze a trail
When the well worn path seems
Safe and so inviting?
How as we travel
Can we see the dismay
And keep from fighting

Cages or wings:
Which do you prefer?
Ask the birds
Fear or love baby
Don't say the answer
Actions speak louder than words

What does it take
To wake up a generation?
How can we make someone take off and fly?
If we don't wake up
And shake up the nation
We'll leave the dust of the world
Wondering why

Why do we stay with lovers
Who we know down deep just aren't right?
Why would we rather put ourselves through hell
Then sleep alone at night?

Why do we follow leaders who never lead?
Why does it take catastrophe to start a revolution?
If we're so free
Tell me why
Someone tell me why
So many people bleed!

Cages or wings:
Which do you prefer?
Ask the birds
Fear or love baby
Don't say the answer
Actions speak louder than words

No matter what anyone tells you babe, you are amazing, you are wonderful, you are beautiful, you are talented, you are sweet, and most importantly, you are loved.

Some New Tsuris
1:04 AM

FINALLY! something made me happy tonight!

Some New Tsuris
1:40 AM

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