The Story of Schmuel

Monday, January 31, 2005

ok...got a good rant going on...i apologize in advance because this is about certain people in particular. so don't read this rant if you don't care. I'm in kind of a bad mood, so i'm going to be honest and harsh. you have been warned.

Ok, so first of all, just because you say something over and over and over again, doesn't mean it will all of a sudden happen. If you like someone, and they aren't into you, don't fucking keep bringing the issue up. stop trying to guilt-trip them or press the issue, thinking that the other person will go "goddamnit, i'll date if you you'll just shut up!" its not going to fucking happen. knock it off.

Also, if you have to lie about who one of your friends is just so the guy you're dating doesn't get mad, there is something wrong. and fuck you for doing it. at first i thought it was kinda funny, but then i thought about it, and that is really fucking shady.

Onto the next issue. ok so there is this little thing called discretion and it is usually paired up with this little thing called discrimination. if you're going to say something very personal in a blog, make sure it doesn't affect anyone else. make sure that if its personal, that is about you only, and no one else. that tends to piss people off. I'm not saying censor yourself on your blog. just realize that ANYONE can read a blog, and there is a lot of shit that shouldn't be discussed in a public forum. if you want to get a private blog or something, write down whatever the hell you want. and if you ARE going to discuss personal things about someone else, make sure that you fairly represent their intentions. if they something in jest, don't make it sound like they were being serious. If they say something in the general sense, don't make it sound like they said it only about you. ok? thanks.

Onto the 4th issue, if you say you're going to call someone, call them. because sometimes people will put plans on hold until they get that phonecall. if the phonecall never comes, then plans cannot go forward. plus its just kinda rude. this is actually one issue i'm not that mad about. i was just irritated for like 5 minutes then i got over it.

Lemme think if there's anything else while i'm at it. oh ok, if anything in this post applies to you, don't fucking use my tagboard to discuss this issue. call me, come over, IM me...something private. I fucking hate having dirty laundry aired out for everyone to see. If you have a problem with me, dont use the tagboard to express it. The tagboard is there solely to be a place for silly, insightful, and happy things to be discussed. nothing else. if i see negativism, or personal issues being discussed on my tagboard, i will delete the posts. if it happens often, your IP will be blocked.

I'm sorry this post is so harsh, i really am. but these are things that have been really building up in me. i've been pushed to the point of being pissed. I will just not tolerate negativism or bullshit anymore. I'm too old for childish games and bullshit. That is all

"I don't buy everything I read
I haven't even read everything I've bought
I don't cry everytime i bleed
My eyes are dry but they're bloodshot
I have faith in medication
I believe in the Prozac nation
You play doctor but i've lost patience

(chours)
This is where it ends
This is where it ends
Call the police and call the press
But please, dear god, dont tell my friends
This is where it ends
This is where it ends

Where's my pride
Where's my self esteem
And does it show in the drinks I bought
I don't hide everytime I'm seen
But i try not to get caught
Make excuses for behavior
Can my illness be my savior
Hid my heart while you still gave yours

(chorus)

She says she wants to live in a movie
I say i want someone else to stand behind me
And write it all down
'Cause i can't be bothered doing it myself
And I don't want the responsibility of provings its improtance

I have loved and I have waited
Been picked up and been sedated
Mental health is overrated

(chorus) "

--- This Is Where It Ends by Barenaked Ladies

Some New Tsuris
11:41 PM

Sunday, January 30, 2005

P.S.

I just realized how honest alcohol + lack of sleep makes me...if I weren't buzzing and well rested, I probably wouldn't have just posted that big long paragraph. Oh well

Some New Tsuris
6:22 AM

I just topped the "3am and this is a problem" line in my last post...it is now 6:01 am, and this is definately a problem. but i have some funny stories to tell..really only one right now, but another one might come to me

so tonight, i went over to Scotty's (or Helen as I like to call him) apartment, and we drank and watched movies. There were these 2 really sweet, pretty cute girls there. So I was, ya know, workin' the ol' Burgdorf charm on one of the girls, whose name is Cassandra. So we're chattin' away, and we get on the subject of music. I tell her I'm a huge Billy Joel fan...and she laughs....she laughed (originally spelled laft...when i'm really fucking tired, things get spelled phonetically). Then I asked her if what she thought about Barenaked Ladies, and she referred to them as "one hit wonders"......i decided then and there that this is not a girl i can date. I think probably the only person who will find this funny will be Cara. I won't date a girl because she doesn't like Billy Joel or BNL...not only does she not like them, she mocked them. Tragic.

I keep getting more and more amused at the irony which exists in my life. The only girls who are really my type, and I am into are the ones who aren't into me "like that." Meanwhile, the only girls who ARE into me, are ones that I really am not interested in dating. I apologize by the way for any grammatical errors in this post...I'm too tired to care. Anywho, back to the point, maybe this is all a sign that I don't need a relationship right now, thus further proving what I already think. It just kinda sucks you know. I mean I could go ahead and date one of the girls who is into me, but then I would just be selling them short. I don't want to half-ass the relationship ya know? I've done that a LOT in my life, and it never turns out well. Like there are a few girls for whom I would kill for a chance with. One or two in particular. i haven't actually talked to them about my feelings, but I have a feeling I know what the outcome will be, based on the dynamic of our respective relationships. The one's that I'm not quite into who are into me, it isn't that I'm not attracted to them or anything like that. Its just I can already see the inevitible disasterous outcome of the relationship. it just really sucks having these feelings and not being able to express them for fear of fucking up a friendship. I've done it before, and it has generally come really close to the end of the friendship. And I don't think that its worth losing a friend over. These people mean to much to me to risk that. So I continue to wander, alone, broken, and longing, 'til the day comes when "She" (whoever she is) comes along and leads me by the hand to the utopia of love. ooOOOOooo...thats poetic! (and any Rent fan will probably interject "That's pathetic" here). If life were easy, we wouldn't have alcohol. Speaking of which, I drank so fucking much tonight, and I didn't get drunk...what the hell is that shit? I mean i had a good buzz going, but I wasn't drunk. I was drinking tequila. There is NO reason why I shouldn't have been drunk. fucking tolerance to alcohol. I need to start drinking something I don't usually drink. Maybe I'll get whiskey next time...or Everclear (meant sarcastically). Ok, i'm starting to put punctuation in the middle of sentences...that means its time for me to go to bed. Night

"And if I always seem distracted
Like my mind's somewhere else
That's because its true
Yes its true
Its this stupid pride that
mades me feel like I have to follow through
even half-assedly loving you

Why must I always
Speak in terms of cowardess
So I guess I should've just come out
and told you right from the start.
Why must I always
tell you what I want is this
I guess 'cause I didn't want
to break your heart" --- Break Your Heart by Barenaked Ladies (NOT ONE-FUCKING-HIT WONDERS!!!!!!)

Some New Tsuris
6:00 AM

Friday, January 28, 2005

Ok so its 3am, and i'm still awake. This is a problem because i have a class at 9am, which means i have to be awake at 8am. curses to this insomnia. actually, curses to the DVD-decrypting software i've been trying to figure out for the past, oh, 2 hours. I guess thats what i get for trying to pirate DVDs. I'll get it tomorrow. I hope.

So I'm watching the movie The Shape of Things. Wow, lemme tell you how amazing this movie is. Paul Rudd is perhaps one of my favorite actors.

So I was listening to Loveline tonight on my way home from rehearsal and Adam Carrolla said something incredibly intelligent. He said something along the lines of "Stupid people shouldn't ever have an idea or a plan. Their plan should be to listen to a smart person." Think about it for yourselves, and IM me and we can discuss if ya like.

Man, I feel bad because I don't know if i have an insightful rant for you all. Unfortunately I set the bar really high with my last few posts. Now I have to struggle to reach that bar. Lemme think...

Ok, here's a rant against myself as much as other people. There is one thing that is the MOST unattractive to me. Low self-esteem. Here's the way I look at it. If you're into me, then logic would tell you to do everything you can to convince me to dig you in return. However, many people with self-esteem issues do nothing but fixate on their problems. This in turn makes me think about these negative aspects of this person, thus making me not want to be with them. They constantly focus on "Why do you like me?" Why focus on the "why?" when the "what?" is right in front of you. I'm not saying that low self-esteem is something that can be easily changed, but the way with which you deal that is key. Instead of focusing on what you hate about yourself, look at the things you know you're good at, or that is a positive feature. I can't tell you HOW many ladies I have immediately been unattracted to because she thought low of herself. Confidence is sexy. If I'm not making sense, I'm sorry..like i said, its 3:20am. Also with low self-esteem generally comes dependency issues. Usually because they feel that as soon as they find someone who will love them, they can't let them go for fear of never finding another person to love them again. A friend once told me something that really stuck with me and changed the way I felt about life. She said, "If you're not enough without someone, you're never going to be enough with someone." Another way of wording this comes from Rent, "You'll never share real love until you love yourself." Its true. You'll end up either going from person to person, in search of that comfort; or you'll find one person, and take over their life, because anything else would be competition. It happens all the time. Its sad really. Generally, dependancy issues and self-esteem issues are the major cause for the end of my relationships. I can't deal with cutting everyone else out of my life for one person. I suppose I haven't met the right person yet. Or if I have, we haven't reached the point beyond friendship. Either way, I gotta keep my eyes and my options open.

I'm becoming more and more aware of the irony which exists in my life. I'm going to get into details for fear of embarrassing or pissing anyone off. Maybe if you ask me about it in person, or one-on-one somehow, I'll talk to you about it.

OK well i think i better get to bed...got 4 hours of sleep to get. ugh.

"I was afraid
that you'd be afraid
If I told you
that I was afraid of intimacy
But if you don't have a problem
with my problem
maybe the problem's
simply codependency." --- Therapy from Tick, Tick...BOOM!

Some New Tsuris
3:06 AM

Wednesday, January 26, 2005

Mr. Constatine Maroulis as Hedwig, the internationally ignored song stylist barely standing before you.

Some New Tsuris
9:47 PM

Another day, another rant.

ya know. There comes a point when you can't help someone anymore. you try and you try and you try, but still they miss the f-ing point. they mistake a detail for the theme. but what do you do at that point? do you let them continue to indulge in their gluttony for punishment? i think the answer is ABSO-FUCKING-LUTELY. Pardon my Zulu.

sorry i must interrupt my rant to express my heartfelt love for the movie Forrest Gump. I'm watching it right now. it makes my soul feel good. back to the grindstone. Intermission is nooooooow OVER.

I dont know. There comes a point in life when ya gotta throw empathy on the backburner, and embrace the necessary self-centeredness. I'm not saying fuck everyone else, my shit is more important. It is important to be there for the people who you love and (and pay attention to this last point) LOVE YOU TOO. These are the people who you can be confident will kick your ass if you really need it. People who will lambaste you about something, then take you out for dinner and a movie a half hour later. These are people who don't hold shit over your head. People who, if you really fuck up, will let ya off with a warning...but not without having to make it up. I guess what it all boils down to is that if someone truely loves you, they won't tell you what you want to hear....they'll tell you what you NEED to hear. and they will always be there to tell it to you. and again, i'm not saying that they have to be "on call" for every little issue. I'm talking about the big things. there are maybe 3 or 4 people in my life who fit this profile. and I hate the fact that i don't know how to fully explain how much they mean to me. I think you know who you are. if not here are hints that i think only they would get:

One is a "bunkin' cousin" who likes to drink J-U-I-C-E
Another is the Harvey to my Fierstein and the Maria to my Von Trapp

ummm....i'm sure if it wasn't 1AM and i wasn't working on like 6 hours of sleep i would be able to remember very inside jokes for the other ones, but i can't but you should know who you are.

Its sad though, everyday, it seems that I get more and more and more annoyed with people. not necessarily people in particular, just people in general. Stop trying, people! People will like you for who you are, not how witty you try to be, or who you quote or what you wear or what the hell every else you think you can win people over with. If you're a bitch that no one likes, and you buy a really awesome shirt that makes you a well-dressed bitch that no one likes. If you are shallow and arrogant, and you listen to a popular band, they you're shallow and arrogant with no sense of musical taste ('cause lets face it...most popular music really blows). And to be fair, there are so many people in my life who are totaly amazing through and through. they could listen to "Shaq's Greatest Hits" while wearing a tattered brown shirt, with a sky-blue plaid bell bottoms and a hunter green sports jacket, and they would still rock some fucking socks (haven't said that phrase in a while). so you amazing people make up about 20% of the people i encounter in a day....the other 80% makes this world worth nuking. and i don't mean a microwave. i wish i had the power to look at someone, and make their head explode, but if i felt bad about it later, i could restore it back to its original state. that would be a solution. or just take warning labels off of everything. oh my god, i'm babbling. its late. that all for now. must think of a quote to end this on.

"Why shouldn't I work for the N.S.A.? That's a tough one, but I'll take a shot. Say I'm working at the N.S.A. Somebody puts a code on my desk, something nobody else can break. Maybe I take a shot at it and maybe I break it. And I'm real happy with myself, 'cause I did my job well. But maybe that code was the location of some rebel army in North Africa or the Middle East. Once they have that location, they bomb the village where the rebels were hiding and fifteen hundred people that I never met and that I never had no problem with get killed. Now the politicians are sayin', "Send in the marines to secure the area" 'cause they don't give a shit. It won't be their kid over there, gettin' shot. Just like it wasn't them when their number was called, 'cause they were pullin' a tour in the National Guard. It'll be some kid from Southie takin' shrapnel in the ass. And he comes home to find that the plant he used to work at got exported to the country he just got back from. And the guy who put the shrapnel in his ass got his old job, 'cause he'll work for fifteen cents a day and no bathroom breaks. Meanwhile he realizes the only reason he was over there in the first place was so we could install a government that would sell us oil at a good price. And of course the oil companies used the skirmish over there to scare up domestic oil prices. A cute little ancillary benefit for them but it ain't helping my buddy at two-fifty a gallon. They're takin' their sweet time bringin' the oil back, and maybe even took the liberty of hiring an alcoholic skipper who likes to drink martinis and fuckin' play slalom with the icebergs, and it ain't too long 'til he hits one, spills the oil and kills all the sea life in the North Atlantic. So now my buddy's out of work and he can't afford to drive, so he's walking to the fuckin' job interviews, which sucks 'cause the schrapnel in his ass is givin' him chronic hemorroids. And meanwhile he's starvin' 'cause every time he tries to get a bite to eat the only blue plate special they're servin' is North Atlantic scrod with Quaker State. So what did I think? I'm holdin' out for somethin' better. I figure, fuck it, while I'm at it, why not just shoot my buddy, take his job and give it to his sworn enemy, hike up gas prices, bomb a village, club a baby seal, hit the hash pipe and join the National Guard? I could be elected president." --- from Good Will Hunting

WHAT A LONG FUCKING POST!!!

Some New Tsuris
1:46 AM

Monday, January 24, 2005

(Sung to the tune of "Tune Up #1" from Rent)
January 24th, 3AM Central Standard Time/ from here on in I'm not going to sleep a wink/ 'cause i had too much fucking coffee/ at Denny's with Katie

such is the bane of my existence...oh well. So things are going well. I apologize again for the downness of my last post. For all concerned, everything regarding the disclaimered section of that post has been worked out. I'm worried about the kid, but I think with a little guidance and a few kicks in the ass, she'll be ok. sometimes being a blunt asshole is the most effective way to get someone's attention and get them to listen.

some old skeletons are deciding to peek out of the closet again, so thats going to be fun to deal with. this has nothing to do with the aforementioned person. just certain issues i've dealt with in the past. hopefully i'll be able to get them back in before they do too much damage.

sorry for the ambiguity of my posts. I don't like calling people out or being specific on such a public forum. i think its just kinda rude. just a personal choice. if you REALLY want to know, just ask me. i may tell ya if i feel you need to know.

ok i gotta try to get some sleep now. probably to no avail.

"Inside I'm hollowed out
Outside's a paper shroud
And all the rest-- Illusion
That there's a willing soul
That we can wrest control
From chaos and confusion

A collage... I'm all sewn up
A montage... I'm all sewn up

Autonomist's undoing
The whole world starts unscrewing
As time collapses and space warps
You see decay and ruin
I tell you no no no no
You'd make such an exquisite corpse

I got it all sewn up
The harden razor cuts
scars map across my body
and you can trace the line
through misery's design
that map across my body

A collage...I'm all sewn up
A montage....I'm all sewn up"
--- Exquisite Corpse from Hedwig and the Angry Inch

Some New Tsuris
2:56 AM

Thursday, January 20, 2005

ok so i'm back. Its been a HELL of a week. busy busy busy busy busy. where do i begin?

So classes are going rathah well. I'm dropping Humanities and picking up Musical Theater. Should be fun. That will put me at 1 core class this semester. can i get a hallelujah...god i hate core curriculum. My psychology prof seems really f-ing cool though. I'm in the class with Scott, Kelli, Amanda, and a few other souls I'm friends with, so thats fun.

Antigone rehearsals are going well too. Everyone seems to be really on the ball. That makes me happy, because the better they are, the less i have to yell and do stuff. that fits right into my general state of laziness.

Socially, things are...well...nonexistent. I have no time to socialize. too f-ing busy. I try to do things on the weekends so as to not burn myself out too much.

SKIP PAST THIS PARAGRAPH IF YOU DON'T WANT TO READ A PERSONAL ARUGMENT!

I've been told that I've "changed." I don't think I have. I think that i had changed before, when this person and I started hanging out, and now I'm back to me again. I had made it abundantly clear that when school started again, i wasn't going to have time or energy to hang out all the time and such. and if i have changed, its because i'm growing up and figuring stuff out. its nothing against this person, its just something thats happening. ack sorry, didn't mean to get into that diatribe, but it was on my mind. i do realize how lame that is. dirty laundry shouldn't be aired. stepping down off of soapbox.....now.

START READING AGAIN!

I'm turing a new page in my life. I'm not going to try to keep in touch with people who have no desire to put forth the effort to do so with me. Names have been removed from my cellphone, AIM, and address book. Those of you who call/IM/email relatively frequently (in the past month or so) are still there. I have people who really want to spend time with me and who really care about me and I'm going to focus on them rather than try to rekindle ties with people long lost. if at anytime these people want to get a hold of me and talk or chill or whatever, I'm here with open arms. keep in mind, i'm not upset or mad at anyone. I know people are busy doing their own things, and i totally respect that. i'm just not going to put forth the effort anymore unless the other person will meet me half way.

dum da dum da dum...what else to talk about.....

i think thats a sign that i'm done... at least for now...i dont know why i chose this song to end the post with...i just like it....its clever...

"We're talkin' about a thick necked man in the city
Build a pub a blood and sweat
Swears by God he'll stand by justice
He aint stood by justice yet
He gets them drunk and gets their money
They cash their welfare checks for stout
Now he throws them into the street
He's sucked you in, he'll spit you out

This money-minded son of a bitch
Will not a penny lend
And all I can do is pray to God
He'll suffer in the end

We're talkin' 'bout thick-necked man in a three-piece
Killing from his office desk
The many places he has been
And many more he'll visit yet
Without his mommy's pride & kisses
Without his country's confidence
Without the dying man's permission
Without no guilt or consequence

This bloody-minded son of a bitch
Has not a wound to mend
And all I can do is pray to God
He'll suffer in the end

Now we're talkin' 'bout a thick-necked man in a fist fight
Losing lots of blood
It's not his night, his boss is uptight
His face and name are covered in mud
He watches T.V., all star wrestling
Slams a six of ale
Hits his wife, wrecks the car
And spends the long dark night in jail
Well the Preacher man, he comes and asks him
Does he know the mess he's in?
He says he'll turn to Jesus if he'll
Bail him out and buy him gin

This narrow-minded son of a bitch
Has not a soul to mend
And all I can do is pray to God
He'll get one in the end"

Some New Tsuris
10:24 PM

Thursday, January 13, 2005

ok so I wasn't gonna post anything personal today, just the 2 essays, but upon reading people's blogs, I feel the need to share with you, the readers of the blog, a little observation I've made. If you think that I'm talking about "you", I'm not...this is an observation I've made from lots and lots of different sources, myself included. Whenever people talk about what they look for in a person of the opposite sex, they always talk about how he/she has to be sweet, funny, sensative, like the same things, yada yada yada.....but they always neglect to mention 2 factors. Attractiveness and Dateability. The irony is that these are in fact the 2 most important factors really. Now, by attractiveness, I don't mean they have to be "hot" or whatever. But there has to be a degree of attraction. Dateability is the key issue though. Just because someone meets all of the other criterian, doesn't mean that they are dateable. Your status in someone's life can instantly make you undateable. Its a fact of life. Its a sad fact of life but its true. Certain people just cannot enter into an exclusive relationship. They can be friends, they can date, but they cannot have a "relationship". And it is at no fault of one person or the other. They could both be so f-ing ideal for each other it is sickening. They could have everything in common, they could be attracted to each other, but for just some odd reason, it doesn't feel right. Its just a fact of life. So next time you're getting ready to say something like "I just want someone who cares about me, and who can hold an intelligent conversation, and with whom I can really relate and who would never hurt me and yada yada yada", don't forget to mention, "Oh right....and someone who I can feasably date."
>steps down from soap box, picks it up and exits stage left<

Some New Tsuris
10:27 AM

Planes, Trains and Plantanes: The Story of Oedipus
this is one of the funniest f-ing essays I've ever read...obviously a fake, but still hilarious. Doesn't always work right...sorry if it doesn't....here's an essay just as funny, if not funnier. This is some dude's college entrance exam...prepare to laugh your ass off!

"I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Brooklyn refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage timeefficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row. I woo women with my sensuous blues trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, I can cook thirty-minute brownies in twenty-two minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Canada. Using only a hoe and a large glass ofwater, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I invented bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the 49ers, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When bored, I build flux capacitors in my back yard. I enjoy urban hanggliding. On Wednesday after work, I repair electrical appliances for the blind free of charge. I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide marvel over my original line of plaid corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I was once caller number nine. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat 403.My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botanycircles everywhere. Small children trust me.I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Moby Dick, David Copperfield, and the Bible in one day, and still had time to refurbish an entire 18th century dining room set hat evening. I know the location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations with the CIA. I sleep once a week, and when I do, it's always standing-up. While on vacation in Aruba, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me. I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid on time. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact bellydancing. Years ago, I discovered the meaning of life, but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a spoon and toaster oven.I breed prize winning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis twice."

Some New Tsuris
10:14 AM

Saturday, January 01, 2005

oh wow...this thing is still here! its been a while since i've been here.

Christmas was good...I got a DVD burner. that means that the MPAA is going to HATE me. I'm going to renting movies, and then burning my own copies, then takin' 'em back. hahahahahahaha damn the man!

I saw a LOT of movies over the break... Phantom of the Opera, Shaun of the Dead*, Collateral, Napoleon Dynamite, Anchorman**, Garden State**, Cannibal the Musical**
* denotes movies I hadn't previously seen and bought on DVD
** denotes movies I had previously seen, and bought on DVD

Hung out with Katie a LOOOOOOT over the break. She's become pretty much my best friend. We just click on this weird level, so we hang out all the time. Good times.

thats all for now....im exhausted...I just got off work at Fazoli's on Green River, which sucks...but its money.

"Schpedoinkal!" -- Cannibal The Musical

Some New Tsuris
8:27 PM