You should probably shoulder up that cross. I hear its the new accessory for martyrs this year!

sorry, I felt that should be said.

AnyMcWhoozleman, I leave for SETC tomorrow night. I'm uber-excited! Plus, my Federal tax return came in the other day. Tonight, I bought the Hedwig and the Angry Inch Cast Album. Not the movie soundtrack, the off-off-Broadway cast album. Hell to the muthafuckin' yizzeah! Its great. I also bought the Barenaked Ladies authorized biography. Its great. I've read a lot of it just sitting at Barnes, but I felt its a book i need to have, since I'm such a HUGE BNL fan.

Had my first Little Shop rehearsal today. It was a blast. I'm so excited about this show.

umm...not much else to say right now...if i think of anything else, i'll let y'all know.

"It is clear I must find my other half. But is it a he or a she? Is it Daddy? He went away. Or Mother? I was suddenly afraid to go back to bed. What does this person look like? Identical to me? Or somehow complimentary? Does my other half have what I don't? Did [s]he get the looks, the luck, the love? Were we really seperated forcibly or did [s]he just run off with the good stuff? Or did I? Will this person embarrass me? And what about sex? Is that how we put ourselved back together again? Is that what Daddy was trying to do to me? Or can two people actually become one again? And if we're driving on the Autobahn when it happens, can we still use the diamon lane?" --- from the stage-version of Hedwig and the Angry Inch

Some New Tsuris
10:36 PM

i had a post here. However, due to my lack of judgement in wording said post, two very very dear people in my life were hurt by what i had said. So the post is gone because it came across differently than i had intended it to. I'm sorry to anyone who was concerned about me after reading the post, who was offended by the post. Shiksa and Lucille, I love you both so much. You are perhaps the two most important people in my life. Don't ever think that i don't appreciate you two.

I'm really trying to stay positive here. I've just been so exhausted that i let my guard down and my natural sense of cynicism and pessimism crept back. i'm doing much better tonight. Thank god Antigone is over and done with. Congratulations cast and crew...you put on a grand show that i am proud to say i was a part of. You made my first experience as ASM pretty painless. A few bumps in the road here and there, but the important thing is that you guys worked your asses off to put together one hell of a show. My love to all of you, I've enjoyed working with you and I'm glad many of you are going to be doing Little Shop too. I'm doubley excited about that, since i get to be in it!

this coming week i go to SETC, then i go on Spring Break. I tend to use that time to clear my mind and settle my emotions. I also intend to overdose on Quaaludes with my favorite midget. Too bad my Shiksa Goddess won't be there. No, she'll be in New York...lucky!(said in the voice of Napoleon Dynamite) Hope ya have a blast sugar... if ya see Harvey, get his autograph for me or something.

Strike sucked tonight. I'm very sore...and very tired. I took some Aleve, and a hot bath. It is now time for me to get some sleep.

"Even though I'm in love
Sometimes I get so afraid
I'll say something so wrong
Just to have something to say
I know the moment isn't right
To tell the girl a comical line
To keep the conversation light
I guess I'm just frightened out of my mind

But if that's how I feel
Then it's the best feeling I've ever known
It's undeniably real
Leave a tender moment alone

Yes I know I'm in love
But just when I ought to relax
I put my foot in my mouth
Cause I'm just avoiding the facts
If the girl gets too close
If I need some room to escape
When the moment arose
I'd tell her it's all a mistake

But that's not how I feel
No that's not the woman I've known
She's undeniably real
So leave a tender moment alone

But it's not only me
Breaking down when the tension gets high
Just when I'm in a serious mood
She is suddenly quite and shy

I know the moment isn't right
To hold my emotions inside
To change the attitude tonight
I've run out of places to hide

And if that's how I feel
Then it's the best feeling I've ever known
It's undeniably real
Leave a tender moment alone"
--Leave a Tender Moment Alone by Billy Joel

Some New Tsuris
2:46 AM

Hey everyone. I decided to use another blog to post a lot of my original writings. Right now its just poetry. Check it out though. I think you all will like it. Its under the "My Entertainment" section of my links. Lemme know what ya think on the TagBoard

Some New Tsuris
3:13 AM

This song keeps running through my head so I thought I would post it... its sorta how I'm feeling right now...

Sideways
by Matt Caplan

Lost my train of thought around Chicago
Found a little solace where you lay
Never made collages as a young child
Not that much to see
So much to say
Now even in this silence there's a thunder
And rain that steals teh breath beneath this cage
And at least I've got your memory to soothe me
This bitter poison ripening with age

(Chorus)
Because everything I've ever done
I've done because I love you
Silly you should ask
But I'm afraid that I'll spend the better part of next year
Scared that I might need you
Bring me down and I'll feel again
Everything I've ever done
I've done because I love you
Sideways

Lost my patience well before West Fourth Street
Found a copper coin, said "seize the day!"
And I let the angry audience surround me
Hiding as I scream "Give or the play"
Now even in this thunder there's a silence
A shred of comfort standing at my door
And at least I've got the sense to reconstruct you
And leave me twice as lucid as before

(Chorus)

And you left your mark
You left your face in the corner
of my mind three times
You left your mark
You left yourself

And at least I've got the sense
To sense what's coming
And realize that good things never
Come to those who wait too long

(Chorus)

Some New Tsuris
1:48 AM

ah yes...i am back. Sorry I haven't posted in a few days. Been uber-busy with the whole Antigone thing. ASMing is a great thing sometimes, and it really sucks sometimes. Like I love being pseuo-in-charge, but I hate how boring it is during the actual run of the show. I sit backstage and do NOTHING for like an hour and 20 mintues. Boring as all fuck. But, I think the show is going really well. I'm quite content with it. Quite content because, well, [I] don't have to die...at least not tonight (Thats a quote from the show...since I have it pretty much memorized from seeing it so much in rehearsal). so do i rant tonight? I dunno lemme think about it.

Things are going really well in my life. I love being able to just let go, and let things take their natural course. Just wanna say thanks to my Shiksa Goddesses, Lindsby and Lucille v5.0 for just being wonderful people. I seriously think that you two are the only people who have helped keep me sane and helped me fend off my oh so wonderful fits of depression as of late. I...aba...ima...I'm buying you a pizza! or not, 'cause I'm broker than a joker....(note to self: never use that phrase EVER again.)

Lots o' drama going on....and NONE of it involving me, which is so wonderful!! For the sake of some of my friends, I hope it all blows over. Not that its undue drama, but its drama nonetheless. I'm going to say this and leave it at that. Just because you do something while drunk, doesn't mean it didn't happen, and feelings won't be hurt.

I really hate that sometimes people I really like do shit to make me really not like them. Its not even important shit, it's the little stupid shit that they do that just bugs the fuck outta me. And I don't want to say anything, because we are friends, and it doesn't bug me enough to justify risking a lot of drama.

So I'm really starting to notice how much I'm changing. Physically, emotionally, socially and other measurments as well. I fit into a size XXL sweater today...I haven't worn a XXL since fuckin' middle school. Cara aptly noticed that my hands are thinner. Odd. I also have reddish brown hair now. Its fun...I like it.

IT IS SO FUCKING COLD IN MY ROOM!!!

It really bugs me when people have such low self-esteem that they feel the need to make total asses out of themselves just so people will like them and laught at them. That is just sad to me. It just seems pathetic and sophomoric. And when its someone I really like, it kinda hurts my soul to see that. 'tis a pity indeed

I think the biggest battle I'm fighting right now are my battles with jealousy and patience. I don't mean jealousy in the sense of like being paranoid that someone else is going to get what I want. Its more like when things aren't going exactly how I want them to, I tend to notice more when things are going the way OTHER people want them to. I think I'm winning this battle. Whenever those thoughts pop into my head, I just tell myself that it'll all work out, and if I just have patience, things will come around. I think I've earned the right to have what I want. I always strive to be the best friend I can be to my friends, to be the most supportive of people who deserve it, and the most patient with people who need time. I think that I've ruined so much for myself in the past, I'm just a little paranoid of it happening again. I'm also really working on being bolder, and standing up for myself more often (pronounced "offen", not "off-ten). I just think that if anymore things that I really want slip out from under me, I'm going to collapse just a bit. But as of now I can't complain. The following things are what are really going well for me right now

• I have great friends
• 2 of the best friends ANYONE could EVER ask for
• A great role in LSoH
• An idea of what I want to do with my life
• I'm looking pretty damn good as of late (or so I'm told)
• My self-esteem is the highest its been in a long time
• I'm getting pretty good at guitar
• This is my last semester in that god-forsaken choir
• I will be moving out of my house, at least for the summer
• I'm considering exploring some options in my life, which may turn out to be promising, might not, but more importantly, I don't care either way. I just wanna have fun

I'm actually really enjoying life right now. I don't have any money, and I'm kinda waiting for something to happen, of which I have no guarantee it WILL happen, and ITS REALLY FUCKING COLD IN MY ROOM, but other than that, I'm pretty fucking happy with life.

Aw, I just looked at pictures that Julie posted on her blog. I miss that kid like I miss Salute Your Shorts and Rocko's Modern Life, and that would be a whole hell of a lot. Hopefully we'll have a chance to really catch up over spring break.

Ok, I think its about bed time.

"If you call I will answer
and if you fall I'll pick you up
and if you court this disaster
I'll point you home" --- Call and Answer by (surprise surprise) Barenaked Ladies

Some New Tsuris
4:19 AM

Ok, so today is Valentine's Day, which means those who have a significan other are all happy and elated and everything, and a lot of those who don't are resentful. So I feel it is time for me to go into a rant on relationships, and who should and should not be in them. So I will start right away with my thesis statement.

If you aren't enough without someone, you're sure as hell not going to be enough with someone. This is a lesson that it took me a long long long long time to learn. I used to do what a lot of people do. Sit around and think, "If I could just find that one person, my life will totally be great...I can finally feel good about myself." To quote Tenacious D, "Well I got sour news for ya Jack, it ain't that easy!" Thats right ladies and gents, NO ONE in this mudball called Earth will ever make you happy with yourself unless you are already happy to begin with, because as soon as you find that "one person," you'll find another reason to hate yourself. That one person will be too clingy, or too distant. That one person will be cute, but not cute enough; or on the flip side, they'll be cuter than you really deserve, and you'll feel like you're selling them short. Whatever reason you come up with, that person will no longer be what you want.

Also, if you feel inadequate with yourself, you will inadvertently, or advertently (is that a word?) , settle for less than what you want. You end up impulse shopping for love. You just grab the nearest thing you can get, and chances are it's not going to be what you want. It may have some of the traits of what you want, but that surface will soon rush away, and all you'll be left with is this piece of crap that doesn't work, but you HAD to have it. A better analogy would be like a kid in a toy store. That kid really wants a friggin' toy. It doesn't matter what, he wants that toy. He'll grab this toy and that toy, swearing to mom that THIS is the toy he needs. He doesn't really care what he's getting, 'cause once he sees something cooler, then that first toy is history, and this new toy is the new must-have toy.

So if you are hating yourself because you can't find someone to love you, then try loving yourself; because, like Roger sings in Rent, "You'll never share real love until you love yourself...I should know!" Ladies and gentleman, I know what I'm talking about here, I've been through it, and a lot of my friends have been through it. Get over your "me" issues before you try to drag them into someone else's life. People get into relationships to find happiness. They don't get into them to deal with other peoples' baggage. However, everyone does have baggage. What is important is to show the other person that you can handle your baggage, and you're willing to do the work, but maybe they can help pick something up if you drop it. It is immature, irresponsible and just plain rude to expect another person to shoulder your baggage. They have their own problems to deal with.

While I'm on this subject I will also say this. If you are in a relationship, for every time someone helps you with an issue, you should be willing to exceed that number for them. Ten fold. That's what we like to call appreciation. I'm not saying you HAVE to help them, but be willing to be there whenever they need you. A relationship is about compromise. Love's not a one way street. Like anything in life, it comes with its sacrifices. Deal with it. Or get out of the relationship.

That last bit goes for friendships too. If there is someone who is always willing to listen to you, always willing to help you out of a bind, be a halfway respectable person and do the same for them. I'm sick of these people who, all they do is, just bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch, and then when its time for you to get some issues off of your chest, they all of a sudden have better things to do. Fuck that. If you have found someone, friend or more than friend, who is willing to put up with your bullshit (and lets face it, we all have bullshit we try to put on other people), keep them close to your heart, and do everything you can to make them want to stick around with you. Good friends are few and far between. Don't sever those ties by being a selfish fuck-up. As I've said many-a-time before, I'm so incredibly blessed with a group of friends who actually care about me. Who would sacrifice their happiness for mine, even though I would never let them. Its true what they say folks, it is the thought that counts.

So next time you're sitting there asking God/Mother Nature/whomever, when you get to find love and be happy, take a long moment to think about what you are doing to be happy with yourself and your life.

I keep amazing myself with how little bullshit I take anymore. I used to take all sorts of crap and not say a word about it....and i was miserable. Yay for that! In fact, I have a song sort of regarding that...stand up for onesself, and demanding justice.

"Go out and tell our story
Let it echo far and wide
Make them hear you
Make them hear you
How justice was our battle
And how justice was denied
Make them hear you
Make them hear you

And say to those who blame us
For the way we chose to fight
That sometimes there are battles
Which are more than
Black or white
And I would not put down my sword
When justice was my fight
Make them hear you
Make them hear you

Go out and tell our story
to your daughters and your sons
Make them hear you
Make them hear you
And tell them in our struggle
We were not the only ones
Make them hear you
Make them hear you
Proclaim it from your pulpit
In your classroom with your pen
Teach every child to raise his voice
And then, my brother, then
Will justice be demanded by
Ten million righteous men
Make them hear you
When they hear you
I'll be near you again." --- Make Them Hear You from Ragtime

That is all.

Some New Tsuris
11:59 PM

This is directly from the Arrested Development section on the Fox Broadcasting Company website:

"Dear Arrested Development Fans:

Thank you for your e-mail and your passionate support of Arrested Development. While the show has finished production for its second season, contrary to the rumors you may have heard or read on the internet, it is NOT cancelled.

We at FOX love Arrested Development and we look forward to having the Bluth family back on FOX in the future – hopefully for many years. You can help make the show a bigger success by getting as many people as possible to start watching the show this Sunday and every Sunday at 8:30 p.m. ET/PT.

Sincerely,Fox Broadcasting Company"

WHOOOOOO!!!!! Thank god for that. It is such a great show. I feel I've been adopted into the Bluth family. Or not...that was kinda retarded wasn't it? oh well. anywho, that just made my day that much better. Check out the link to the website on the sidebar. I think they have preview clips on there.

That is all

Some New Tsuris
2:08 PM

"You should die! You can't even spell Michael right! You whore!" --- My lovely lovely little Lucille v.5.

That girl makes me laugh a whole whole lot.

TECH REHEARSALS SUCK!!! 14 hours at the Mallette on a Sun. Fuck that shit. Oh well, it wasn't that bad. Just really bored. and tired.

Don't jump on the bandwagon...especially if you aren't part of the band.

Yay for disjointed babblings.

Skipty Skapta Doobly Bapta Doobly Doo Day. That is all

"Don't the hours grow shorter as the days go by
You never get to stop and open our eyes
One minute you're waiting for the sky to fall
The next you're dazzled by the beauty of it all
Lovers in a dangerous time
Lovers in a dangerous time

These fragile bodies of touch and taste
This fragrant skin this hair like lace
Spirits open to the thrust of grace
Never a breath you can afford to waste

Lovers in a dangerous time
Lovers in a dangerous time
Lovers in a dangerous time
Lovers in a dangerous time
Lovers in a dangerous time

When you're lovers in a dangerous time
Sometimes you're made to feel as if your love's a crime
Nothing worth having comes without some kind of fight
Got to kick at the darkness 'til it bleeds daylight
When you're lovers in a dangerous time
Lovers in a dangerous time
Lovers in a dangerous time
Lovers in a dangerous time
Lovers in a dangerous time"
---Lovers In A Dangerous Time by Barenaked Ladies

Some New Tsuris
11:52 PM

La vid'e bella...for the most part. I'm tired as fuck right now. Had dry tech for Antigone this morning at 10am...went to bed at like 3 or 4. Not too bad...not great though. Today was SOOOOO boring. Tomorrow is going to be SOOOOOO boring too.

I'm a little irked that I can't go see Kensington in Vagina Monologues tonight. I just absolutely cannot afford it. I love ya sugar. I totally support you. I have no job. Sorry. Must figure out what I'm doing tonight...hmm...

Ok so last night, after visiting Kay at work, I went over to my cousin's house for poker night. I didn't have any money so I couldn't buy in, but it was fun anyway. Here's why. So about an hour into the game, Chris (my cousin) asks me to run and get a movie. So I was like, "Sure...if you let me drive your car!" For, you see, my cousin drives a 6-speed Nissan Z something or other. This thing is f-ing HARDCORE. He lemme take it out. I got onto HWY 64, and got that fucker up to like 110....AND I WAS STILL IN 5TH GEAR!!! I HAD ANOTHER GEAR TO GO!! Oh my god...it was beautiful. BUUUUT anywho....

Ok, so back to the cryptic issue I've been dealing with. After a little more research I've decided to wait it out, but not 100%. I'll explore other avenues, but still keep one foot in that door. Its still #1 on my list. But while I'm waiting, I'll just explore my other options. That way, in case option 1 doesn't work out, I'm not missing out on other opportunities. So yay for being sated and getting stuff figured out.

Thats all for now. I'm choosing this song because I haven't listened to it in a while, its a song that everyone has heard before, and its really really really good advice.

"Listen boy
Don't want to see you
Let a good thing slip away
You know I don't like watching
Anybody make the same mistakes I made
She's a real nice girl
And she's always there for you
But a nice girl wouldn't tell you what you should do
Listen boyI'm sure that you think you got it all
Under control
You don't want somebody telling you
The way to stay in someone's soul
You're a big boy now
You'll never let her go
But that's just the kind of thing
She ought to know

Tell her about it
Tell her everything you feel
Give her every reason to accept
That you're for real
Tell her about it
Tell her all your crazy dreams
Let her know you need her
Let her know how much she means

Listen boy
It's not automatically a certain guarantee
To insure yourself
You've got to provide communication constantly
When you love someone
You're always insecure
And there's only one good way
To reassure

Tell her about it
Let her know how much you care
When she can't be with you
Tell her you wish you were there
Tell her about it
Every day before you leave
Pay her some attention
Give her something to believe

Cause now and then
She'll get to worrying
Just because you haven't spoken
For so long
Though you may not have done anything
Will that be a consolation when she's gone

Listen boyIt's good information from a man
Who's made mistakes
Just a word or two that she gets from you
Could be the difference that it makes
She's a trusting soul
She's put her trust in you
But a girl like that won't tell you
What you should do

Tell her about it
Tell her everything you feel
Give her every reason
To accept that you're for real
Tell her about it
Tell her all your crazy dreams
Let her know you need her
Let her know how much she means

Tell her about it"
---Tell Her About It by Billy Joel

Some New Tsuris
6:15 PM

Ok so I am going to hereby retract last night's post...not the poem, the one before that. I'm going to chalk that up to being jittery due to my medicine/quitting smoking. I don't know why I freaked like I did. Its not a big fucking deal. I just have to pursue other options now. I'm hoping that I'm not developing some sort of manic/depression or bipolarism or something. But I don't really go to extremes. I haven't gotten really depressed in a long time. I'm either apathetic, or I'm excited or angry. Not much depression in there. And I don't mean angry like I need to punch a wall or something. Just resentful and introspective. But I have no reason to be. I need to get over this bout of egocentrism in which I've lived my life. So I'm entering the phase of self-improvement I suppose. Losing the weight, quitting the smokage, curbing the egocentrism, not dwelling and fixating. Everything is gonna work out in the end. Just gotta focus on the positive.

So I got to the L.A. this morning at about, oh, 8:30ish....as I'm walking up to the side door by the theater loading dock, the blonde bubbly one (Kensington) damn near kicks open the door, plants herself and starts SCREAMING!!! Needless to say the cast list got posted, and she got Audrey (we're doing Little Shop of Horrors). I got Mushnik, which I'm totally stoked about (hang ten surfer dude....sorry...i'm never using the word "stoked" again, unless its in reference to the popular coffee shop). The cast is pretty much how we (meaning Kensington, Cara and I) had predicted it last night. Off the top of my head, here's who got what...if i forget anyone, i'm sorry...this is just from what i remember.

• Seymour- Austin
• Audrey- Kensington
• Mushnick- sexxxy muthafu...err...me
• Orrin Scrivello DDS- Scotty
• Voice of Audrey II- Jeannine
• Urchins- Camille, April, and Paige
• Ensemble- Lauren, Cara, Cliff, Monica, Amanda, Katelyn...i can't remember...i'll have to look at the list again.

This is going to be a fun fucking show. John (Berst...director) has made a HUGE mistake though. He put a whule bunch of good friends all in a show together, a lot of whom have the same scenes together. Its going to be hell to keep focused. Oh well, it'll be a blast. To everyone who made it, MON CONGRATZ!!!! If you didn't, I'm really sorry...

Ok well, I think that about does it for me for now. The show (and by show I mean my life) must go on. and my heart will go on (AHHHH!! I'M POSSESSED BY THE DEAD CAREER OF CELINE DION!!! AHHH!)

"The road is my home. In reflecting upon the people whom I have come upon in my travels, I cannot help but think of the people who have come upon me. Tommy, can you hear me? From this milkless tit you have sucked the very business we call show!" --- Hedwig and the Angry Inch

“She came at me from both sides, somehow! I didn’t know what to do, I was alone, I had nothing in my hand, I was gonna go for the eyes...and she gave me a fucking hug...can you belive that? a fucking hug!" --- Hedwig and the Angry Inch

Some New Tsuris
10:50 AM

Ok so I just wrote this. I think this is one of my best works to date. what do y'all think? lemme know. Sorry for the impressive vernacular. I was in a wordy mood.

Shades of Gray
The stars dont mean a thing
If I can't gaze upon you
like we used to them.
Their incandescence,
their illumination,
giving your irises
a piercing twinkle
as if God himself
placed the stars in your eyes.

The fluorescent moon looks sallow
compared to the radiant smile
you displayed
whenever we lay together
sharing a moment
of each other's lives.

The resplendent sun appears lackluster
compared to your cerise lips,
slightly pursed as they await
their liason with mine.
The taste of your lipgloss
interwoven with their delicate softness
only taunts me into desiring more,
but to no avail.

Without you
there is no color
no vividity.
There is no Oz,
there is no technicolor.
Just multiple shades of grey
and we never leave Kansas

Some New Tsuris
1:26 AM

I think it may be time for a plan B....i think plan A is just a little fucked right now....i dont know though..

this cannot happen again...this cannot happen again.....this cannot happen again....

i'm really jittery right now....took my diet pill late today....totally jittery. plus i'm a little frantic right now.... i just need to calm the fuck down.... this sucks this sucks this sucks... i thought things were going so well..

fuck it....fcku ti....kut fic...ciuk ft...kit cuf...fuck it....

Some New Tsuris
12:08 AM

So i'm in an odd little funk right now. I'm not depressed by any means. I'm actually quite happy. But it just feels something is missing. Something is not quite right with my life at the moment. I don't really know what it is. I just really can't seem to verbalize what I'm feeling. I'm emotional, yet at the same time disgustingly apathetic. I don't know. 90% of life is great right now. I'm losing weight, I'm trying really hard to quit smoking, I'm figuring out who my real friends are. But that other 10% is kicking my ass. I wish I knew what to do about certain things. Why am I worrying this much? Should I stick around and wait around...even though there's no possiblity of anything coming out of it? or do I just move ahead, and play it by ear? I'm just really confused about certain things right now. I wonder if I really do care as much as I say I do, or is my stubborn pride just not allowing me to think i could be wrong? Its all so confusing. I just wish I knew where I stood on these issues. If I knew something would come out of it, I would have no problem waiting around for it. It's worth it. But if not, then I need to move on and find other prospects. I can deny my love when until I'm face to face with it. Then I just follow like an obeident lap dog.

Complete aside: I love how none of you know what the hell is going on. Is it a job? is it a girl? is it a class? who knows!!!! I do baby...I do....and no one else.

Maybe I'll get it all figured out in the near future. I'm just afraid if I persist, I'll end up pushing my luck and missing out on other opportunities while waiting for the chance that would never come. I need to get more information. I'll work on that.

Aaaaanywho, so I auditioned for Little Shop yesterday. I think I did really well. I didn't get called back though. Anyone who has done enough theater knows that that doesn't mean anything really, but you can't help but initially have negative thoughts if you aren't called back. I figure it can either mean I didn't get a part, or I got type-cast. Hopefully the latter, although if the former is true, then I can really focus on tech. I'm just really not sure what the cast list is gonna look like. So much talent auditioned for this show. I hope everyone I have slated for gets the roles. I'm hoping for either Mushnik or Seymore. Mushnik is what I'm pretty sure I got. But I'm a prime candidate for Seymore, at least vocally. I'm hope all my girls get cast and get the roles they want. If it gets cast how I would like it to be cast, it'll make for one fucking fun show. I'm a little nervous though. I haven't done a musical since Crazy For You (Summer of '02). That's 3 years. I hope I still "have it" ya know? A guy can get rusty in that amount of time. I'm sure I'll do marvelously.

Lemme see...what else to talk about...

I've noticed I've been really affectionate lately. Like more so than normal. I've been really huggy with da ladies. I don't know why. Maybe its getting to be that time again, where I start longing for a relationship that, chances are, will never happen. Maybe one will happen though. I don't know. I think I just need to get a little more ballsy, and stop being so second-guessing of myself. Thats my biggest drawback in dating; fear of rejection. I don't like asking girls out because I'm afraid they'll say no, and then start acting all uncomfortable around me. Its happened before when I was younger, but I think its time to get over that now. Fortune favors the brave. If a girl can't be friends with me after rejecting me for a date, then she's not that good of a friend anyway, and not the kind of girl i want to date. so fuck that shit. aaaaaaah, i love revelations...they're so fun.

ok I think thats it for now. To end with a quote...lemme think...

"A is for angry
which is what you are at me
A is for adult
which is what I'll never be
A is for applesauce
my favorite meal
A is for Adam
which is how I sometimes feel
Like I'm the only man on Earth
and I've forgotten what that's worth

A is for Arthur
He's a loveable drunk
AM& Azing like Thelonius Monk
A is for arguing
A is for apparent
A's for antagonism that's not even there
and its just you begging for attention
or something I won't even mention

(chours)
And I don't even know why I keep on trying
I don't even know why I keep on lying
There are millions of people in worlds of their own
But two of them can't let go

A is for Algebra
I learn it in school
A is what Fonze said
'cause he was very cool
A is for adversary
A is for affection
A is arousal
you are giving me an erection
C'mon I'm trying to show affection
for longer than a half an hour

(Chorus)


I met a woman I used to know
Long before you, long ago
All I could say after hello
is 'Are you still single?"

A is for attitude
I can't help but wieldl
A is for arrogance
emotional shield
A is for acting
A is for abhorrently
A is for asshole
which is what I am
How rude of me
I owe you and apology
I'm sorry!

(chorus)

Some New Tsuris
10:27 PM

(time to sound like a really awful DJ)
With the exception of the middle section, this is for the really important ladies in my life right now who are feeling unappreciated, who are still hurting, and/or think no one cares about them. One or two in particular. I love you so much. I appreciate everything you've all done for me. If I could fix everything I would. In a heartbeat. But that empathy is my cross to bear, and you've all helped make it much lighter a load. Thank you.

If I DIdn't Believe In You
from The Last 5 Years

There are people
and they're publishing my book
and there's a party
that they are throwing
and while you've made it very clear that you're not going
I will be going...and that's done
but what's it really about?
Is it really about a party Cathy?
Can we please for a moment stop blaming
and say what you feel?
Is it just that you're disappointed
to be touring again for the summer?
Did you think this would all be much easier
than its turned out to be?
Well then talk to me Cathy...talk to me...

If I didn't believe in you
We wouldn't have gotten this far
If I didn't believe in you
and all of the ten thousand women you are
If I didn't think you could do
anything you ever wanted to
If I wasn't certain that you'd come through
Somehow
The fact of the matter is Cathy
I wouldn't be standing here now

If I didn't believe in you
we wouldn't be having this fight
If I didn't believe in you
I'd walk out the door and say,
"Cathy, you're right!"
But I never could let that go
knowing the things about you I know
Things when I met you four years ago, I knew
It never took much convincing
to make me believe in you

Don't we get to be happy, Cathy?
At some point down the line,
don't we get to relax
without some new tsuris
to push me yet further from you?
If I'm cheering on your side Cathy,
why can't you support mine?
Why do I have to feel
I've committed some felony
doing what I always swore I would do?
I don't want you to hurt.
I don't want you to sink;
but you know what I think?
I think we'll be fine.
Just hang on and you'll see.
But don't make me wait til you do
To be happy with you.
Will you listen to me?
No one can give you courage
No one can thicken your skin
But I will not fail so you can be comfortable Cathy
I will not lose because you can't win

If I didn't believe in you
Then here's where the travelogue ends
If I didn't believe in you
I couldn't have stood before all of our friends
and said this is the life I choose
This is the thing I can't bear to lose
Trip us or trap us
but we'll refuse to fall
The fact of the matter is Cathy
if I didn't believe in you
I wouldn't have loved you at all

Now why don't you run upstairs and get dressed so we can go. Cathy, can we just do that please? PLEASE?!?!


Ok, that one was for you...this one is for me...

Jane
by Barenaked Ladies

The girl works at the store
Sweet Jane St. Claire
Was dazzled by her smile
While I shopped there
It wasn't long before I lived with her
I sang her songs while she dyed my hair

Jane's divided,
but I can't decide which side I'm on
Jane decided
only cowards stay while traitors run
Jane
Jane

I bring her gold,
frakencense and myrrh
She thought that I was making fun of her
She made me feel I was fourteen again
That's why she thinks its cooler if we just stay friends

Jane's admired
by the people at her school and work
Jane is tired
'cause every man becomes a lovesick jerk
Jane
Jane

I wrote a letter
She should have gotten it yesterday
Life would be better
by being together
is what I cannot explain to Jane

The girl works at the store,
Sweet Jane St.Claire
Still dazzled by her smile
while I shoplift there
No promises as vague as heaven
No Julianna next to my Evan

Jane doesn't
think a man could ever be faithful
Jane isn't
giving me a chance to be shameful
Jane
Jane

thank you, and goodnight.

Some New Tsuris
1:40 AM

how to suceed in being a jackass without even trying:

1. Open mouth
2. Insert foot
3. Halfway through the phrase, immediately try to stop
4. Unable to stop, you are left looking like a jackass

It time of incident you will feel like total shit...however, once your jackassity has been forgiven and explained away, all involved will chuckle with glee. Such was my night. Life is weird. Just when you think you've figured the formula out, a new variable is added with which you must deal.

Some New Tsuris
1:56 AM

sorry about last night's post... it was really late, I was really tired and in a really bad mood. Things are gonna get worked out though, I swear.

Some New Tsuris
4:26 PM

FUCK IT....i quit.... this is the 2nd time this has happened now. Don't ask what I'm talking about...I won't tell you. I'm just a bit depressed/angry right now. Matt Caplan is playing on a loop. Those of you who know the significance of this will get an idea of what's wrong with me.

It's not that I am hiding on the roof
or underneath your table
It's not that I'm counting down from 10
or playing hide and seek
It's not that I'm thinking of the past
and consequently feeling older
It's not like I'll inherit all the earth
if I destroy the meek

It's not that I'm special
It's not that I'm indifferent
It's not that I'm cowardly or vain
It's not that I'm angry
It's not that I'm violent
I don't objectify my pain

Oh but I could break you if I wanted to
Be cruel to you
I could show the world your song
Oh I could break you if I wanted to be cruel to you
'cause I was broken all along

It's not that I am folding up this chair
and folding up my insight
It's not that I respect any less
for giving someone more
Oh It's not that I regret the things I've done
or anything I planned to
It's not like changing after we descend
will justify before
It's not that I'm stupid
It's not that I'm schemeing
It's not that I'm searching for a sign
It's not that I'm righteous
and it's not that I'm unfeeling
I don't expect you to be mine

Oh but I could break you if I wanted to
I could show the world your song
I could break you if I wanted to
be cruel to you
and I could show the world your song
Oh I could break you if I wanted to
Be cruel to you
'cause I was broken all along

And the things that you tell me
don't mean a thing if you're not scared
and turning you back on me
won't leave me weak of unprepared

Oh I could break you if I wanted to
I could show the world your song
I could break you if I wanted to
'cause I was broken all along

It's not like every devestating end
brings a new beginning" --Broken by Matt Caplan

Some New Tsuris
5:14 AM

The following are quotes from my Psych professor. A lot of them are paraphrased though.I was laughing my ass off:

• "2 year olds tend to be egocentric. Now normally when people hear the word 'egocentric' they think of being cocky. That'd be weird, a 2 year old being cocky. (imitates a toddler walk, then thrusts his hands up in the air) 'I RULE!!'"
  
• "My uncle was a priest and my aunt was a nun...well not anymore obviously!"
  
• (after watching a video of a 4-year-old girl during an experiment of irreversibility)
  "Emily's not dumb...well Emily may be dumb, we don't know...but that's not the point..."
  
• "If you take a dollar bill out of a 5 year old's piggy bank, and then take two pennies out, and offer him either the one dollar or the two pennies, they'll almost always take the two pennies... do this while you can. Time is running out! In a couple of years, they'll know better"
  
• (being fasecious)
  "I'm not allowed around children. Its actually a court order... woah, sorry that came out wrong..."
  
• (discussing egocentrism)
  "Its like if I said 'sitting in that chair like that is uncomfortable to you' because it would be uncomfortable to me....wow that was a terrible analogy...that made no sense...I apologize"
  
• "I'm going to disappear for a second... (walks beind free-standing, two-sided chalkboard, then reemerges a few seconds later)... I'm back!! sorry, had to see where I left off"

These may not be funny to you, 'cause you weren't there...just trust me...i was laughing my ass off. If you go to USI, and you have yet to take Intro to Psych, take it from Chris Bloom. He's great.

Some New Tsuris
1:31 PM

hello everyone. if you are still reading this, that means that my recent posts have not scared you away, and that is good. just to let y'all know, all that drama has been pretty much worked out. so, no more really personal rants for a while. back to the same ol' social-commentary for which i am "famous," to use the term loosely. This week as been a good week puncuated by some moments of flustration (is that a word...the act of being flustered...we'll go with it). The following great things happened to me this week:

1. I got my Last 5 Years songbook in the mail... and it is wunderbar
2. I finally decided on a monologue for Little Shop auditions.
3. I got a lot of drama worked out
4. I learned how to play Origin of Love and Midnight Radio from Hedwig and the Angry nch on guitar...if you don't understand how big of a Hedhead I am by now, then go away and stop reading my blog.
5. I had a blast at Denny's with Jim, Leo, and this Dustin dude, who I had never met before, but seemed cool enough
6. I did a LOT of self-realization; and DIDN'T get depressed. Believe me, that is a feat in and of itself.
7. I completely revamped the ol' blog, if you didn't notice.
8. I got my Garden State DVD back from Katie... I was going through withdraw.
9. I'm scoping someone out as a possible target for the ol' Burgdorf charm. Still haven't decided for sure if its something I want to move forward on.
10. I did really well, I think, on my piece for Musical Theater. I didn't do as well as I had done when I was practicing, but that's to be expected. Nerves.
11. Antigone is coming along slowly but surely. The past two rehearsals I haven't left the theater wanting to stab someone in the neck with a drill gun.
12. Elliot is out of town, which means that rehearsals are in the hands of Jeannine and I. That in turn means, no 4 hour rehearsals. We run the show, give a few notes, answer a few questions then get the fuck outta Dodge. Last night we started at 6, and we were out of the theater by 7:30. How sweet it is.
13. I helped my ever so lovely friend Julie out with a guy issue, and she ended up getting a date out of it. I'm so proud of her. It was so tough for her to do, but she pulled her shit together, threw fuck-all to the wind, and told him how she felt. That is a brave thing to do. I miss that kid.
14. I realized that right now, there are 2 things I'm willing to fight for. 2 things that are so important to me that NOTHING will replace them in my heart. One of them the theater, the other is going to remain my own private gem. No offense, just keeping some similance of privacy.

Thats all I got for now...gotta head over to Forum 1 for Psych. By the way, I'm blogging from the computer lab in the basement of the L.A., which is where I live anymore. The basement of the L.A., not the computer lab. I'm sitting at one of the outside computers, closest to the big window. I don't like it, I feel like people are looking at me. Its bugging me, so I'm out. Much love to you people who still read this thing. At least most of you, I'm sure there is someone out there that I don't like/know, and I don't want to give my love away to them. They haven't earned it. Wow, I'm a bastard sometimes. It's ok though, 'cause I'm cheeky and fun. Wow, I'm really homosexual sometimes....err...what? No, I love the ladies.... love 'em. Being obsessed with a musical about a transexual glam rocker, and a British transvestite comedian, doesn't mean a thing!!! I'm out.

"If I didn't believe in you
I wouldn't be standing here now"

Some New Tsuris
10:19 AM

ok so finally something positive.....as many of you well know for about a month now i have been on a doctor-prescribed diet pill to help get the ol' weight down to a safe level. So i stepped on the scale this morning and in the past month i have gone from 340lbs to (drum roll please)...................310lbs. Yes ladies and gents, that is 30 lbs in a month. and all the people said "god damn, thats a lot of weight!" I'm feeling great. I have more energy, I'm rarely hungry anymore (i usually have to make myself eat something so i don't get low blood sugar). In the past, i would just be hungry all the time, and i'd snack. now, i have to remind myself to eat. its wonderful.

I'm really sorry again about my last post. 90% of you out there, i adore. and even those who i'm upset with i really do want to be ok with. i swear. its just these things have to change if a friendship is wanting to be maintained. at this point, i'm not hating anyone. i'm just raising certain concerns. ball is in your court(s) now. I really do want to work everything out. i hate being upset at people. its not natural for me. if you think the last post is talking about you, call me so we can discuss it.

Some New Tsuris
1:12 AM

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My People

April
Cara
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Jen
Jeni
Julie
Kensington
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Staci

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Aida
Avenue Q
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Hedwig and the Angry Inch
Last 5 Years
Little Shop of Horrors
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Adam Pascal
Anthony Rapp
Barenaked Ladies
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Matt Caplan
Norbert Leo Butz
Sherie Rene Scott
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