The Story of Schmuel

Thursday, March 31, 2005

Yay for great pics!!

Burgdorf, Cara, and Kensington a little tipsy

Burgdorf, Kensington and Cara at Turoni's

Cara and Kensington

Some New Tsuris
11:21 PM

OH MY GOD!!! Mitch Hedberg died!!!!!!!

Some New Tsuris
10:18 PM

Untitled Burgdorf Original

For every smile you wear
Another wears a frown
Tonight, I'm the latter
Your life is full of love
Mine full of heartache
You get happier,
while I just get sadder

Joy is a luxury
you can afford
I'm barely scraping
for tsuris
You see things
so clearly now
but I can't tell
what that blur is

-----------

ugh, it started out such a good day. beautiful weather, well rested....but this evening totally sucked...i'm so fucking sick of being sad. Why can't I just be happy. I'm trying, I really am. I know is sound ridiculous, because there is a lot of shit going my way, but a lot of shit isn't, and what's not going my way is stuff thats really important to me. I'm sick of being hurt, ignored, lied to, etc... I'm sick of feeling worthless. I'm sick of being "too good of a friend." I'm sick of caring. If you say you love somone, or that someone is one of your best friends, then let your actions prove it. 'Cause if not, then those words are worthless and you've just broken one more heart. and when that heart is mine, I have a big fucking problem with that.

Some New Tsuris
12:20 AM

Tuesday, March 29, 2005

so i only have 10 minutes before musical theater class starts, but i have a song stuck in my head that i wanna post... this one is for Shiksa..because I care...

Big Ass Rock
from The Full Monty

Let's find a rock,
I mean a big ass rock.
Or maybe something like a cinder block,
Is better.
I'll hoist it up,
And drop it on your face,
My buddy.

And just before the lights go out,
You'll see my smile,
And you'll know you've got a friend,
With a rock,
Who cares.

I mean a big ass rock!

Or a rope,
I got some quality rope.
Made for a man who's devoid of hope,
Like you are,
My buddy...Micheal.

Uh..that's Malcom.
Yeah, Malcom...right.

And I wont leave you swingin' there,
Twitchin' like a fish while you claw the air.
I'll grab your feet,
And pal of mine,
I'll pull real hard and,
SNAP...your spinal cord.

This world is cold when you're alone,
And they ignore you.
But don't kill yourself.
We'll do it for you.

You've got a friend.
(You've got a friend, you've got a friend.)

You know I asked a guy once if he'd mind putting me in a barrel and sending me over the falls. You know what the son of a bitch said? Drop dead asshole.

People are pricks.
Well..

I asked this guy if he'd take his air compressor and drill me with a six inch nail right through the eye.

What'd he say?
I'm low on nails.
People are selfish pricks.

Now another time, now get this. I lay down in front of a steamroller and asked the guy just to proceed, ya know, business as usual, and squash me like a bug.

That's a good way to go Jer, the ole bug squash. Hey we could tie a plastic laundry bag around his head.

Nah, that's such a wimp suicide.
I stuck my finger in a socket once. It hurt real bad...but it didn't kill me.

Malcom stay out of this.

I've got a friend,
Like Carol King,
Or was it Carlie Simon,
Used to sing.
I always get those two confused anyways.

I turned around,
And suddenly,
I'm not alone,
It aint just me.

I'm like a player on the team.
(Player on the team)
Part of the gang.
(Part of the gang)
A member of the club

Ooh, lets get a club,
I like the big ass rock.
Nah, one good swing,
And I'll clean his clock, forever.
Let gravity do the work!
It's man's way to die Mikey!
MALCOM!

I've got friends.
Friends who will love you like a maniac,
And lead you lamb to the railroad track,
And tie ya down.

I GOT FRIENDS!

Tickle your wrist,
With a single-edged razor,
Or buy you a bear,
With a drano chaser,
Or dump you in a river with a rock.

A big ass rock.

Here's a nice one right over here.
Hey, can I give ya a hand with that? Look's heavy.
Naw, Dave,

It aint heavy, he's my friend.

Aww come on, group hug.

Some New Tsuris
1:20 PM

Monday, March 28, 2005

So i just wanted to give a long overdue thank you to Melissa for introducing me to The Last 5 Years. I've been listening to it on a loop for the past few days now and its really helped me get through some of the bullshit I've been going through these past couple of weeks. It is such an amazing show. The music is so lush and beautiful, the story very unique yet universal. So thank you Ms. Hardin for introducing me to this show. It has honestly helped me change as a person for the better...

Thats all for now

"But then [she] smiles
[her] eyes light up
and how can I complain?
yes [she's] insane,
but like what [she] can do
And I'm a part of that
I'm a part of that
I'm a part of that
Aren't I?" --- A Part of That from The Last 5 Years

Some New Tsuris
11:04 PM

Why am I blogging at 4am? Why am I not asleep? Oh, I know...because that 3 hour nap this afternoon was a REALLY STUPID thing for me to do. Eh...oh well.

Lots to talk about.

So this weekend was amazingly fun. Fri. afternoon was spent cleaning my truck out, which desperately needed to happen. Then that evening, Camille had her birthday bash out at Hacienda. Lots of fun people there. After Hacienda, we went back to Camille's apt. for a rousing game of trivial pursuit (minus the game board), live music (Scott and I both brought our guitars), and all around fun. Got a lot of shit that was really upsetting me settled late late that night. I need to be more confrontational, and not let things fester and build like I do. Misunderstandings are often the cause of most of my problems. Anywho, back to the happiness. So then Sat., I went to lunch with my mom and grandma. It was fun enough, and I got Olive Garden out of it. MMM steak gorgonzola alfredo. you kick my ass. Then I went to visit Kensington, at work and bought a couple of really savvy shirts. J. Ferrarra also kicks my ass. Then I went to Goodwill and bought 3 vinyls: Billy Joel's Glass Houses, A Chorus Line cast album, and Liza Minnelli, which I bought for Cara. After that, I get a phone call on my cell. Its Lisa, whom I haven't seen since like 2 years ago. She was in town and hanging out with Leah, and they wanted to play. So we met at Barnes and Noble and talked. Then we ran into Ory. So the 3 of us hung out. Then Chris called Leah, and we all met him over at Cici's Pizza. Then Staci called Leah, and we all met her out at Seekers. I stayed at Seekers for about a half hour and took my leave of them and went over to Cara's. She and I watched The Shape of Things, since she had never seen it. It was a rather enjoyable evening.

Today, since it was Easter, I decided to please my mother by going to church this morning. I felt so uncomfortable and out of place, but I survived. Then we all went to lunch at some German restaurant in Newburgh. It was alright. Then a bunch of family came over to our house. That was...interesting. Ben and I just talked music the whole time. When everyone left, I took a nap, then watched Arrested Development. Then I went over to Ben and Ashley's house for a few hours, to discuss what exactly is wrong with our family. I just feel so alienated by them sometimes. Ben and I are kind of the blacksheeps of the family, considering we're both non-Christian, Liberatarians (social liberals, fiscal conservatives) in a family of Christian Conservatives. came home and here I have been sitting for about 4 hours now.

Right now, I'm happy. If not happy, then content. I hope this lasts a while. I'm sick of feeling like shit.

I just want to say how much I love my friends. Shiksa and Lucille v5.0 are amazingly amazing and without whom I could not live. Glinda is my sweetheart-in-heartbreak and I adore her immensely (I have the wrench all ready whenever you need it sugar). And I have so many more great friends that it would be impossible to list them all here. If I didn't name you, don't take offense, you are dear to me.

Been on a Last 5 Years kick the past few days. So I will close with a quote from it.

"I could never rescue you
All you ever wanted
But I could never rescue you
No matter how I tried
All I could do was love you hard
And let you go

No matter how I tried
All I could do was love you
God, I loved you so "

Some New Tsuris
4:05 AM

Friday, March 25, 2005

Stole this from Julie's blog. I'm really bored, so why the hell not....

001. I miss somebody right now.
002. I watch more tv than I used to.
003. I love olives.
004. I love sleeping.
005. I own lots of books.
006. I wear glasses or contact lenses
007. I love to play video games.
008. I've seen a porn movie at some time in my life whether I'm proud of that time
or not.
009. Why is #9 missing?
010. I have been in a threesome.
011. I have been the psycho-ex in a past relationship.
012. I believe honesty is the best policy.
013. I have acne free skin. <~~ a few pimples here and there...nothin' bad though
014. I like and respect Al Sharpton.
015. I curse frequently. <~~ fuck is my filler word
016. I 've changed a lot mentally over the last year.
017. I have a hobby. <~~ I have interests...hobbies cost money, interests don't 018. I've been told I have a nice butt. 019. I carry my knife/razor everywhere with me. 020. I'm really, really smart.
021. I've never broken anyone else's bones.
022. I have a secret that I am ashamed to reveal.
023. I love rain.
024. I'm paranoid at times.
025. I use diet suppliments for weight loss <~~ doctor prescribed
026. I need money right now.
027. I love sushi.
028. I talk really, really fast sometimes <~~ noooo...not at all...... 029. I have fresh breath really bad sometimes. 030. I have long hair. 031. I have at least one brother and/or sister.
032. I'm a wrestling fan
033. I was born in a country outside of the U.S.
034. I shave my legs.
035. I have a twin.
036. Your mom
037. I couldn't survive without Caller I.D.
038. I like the way that I look. <~~ overall...everyone has something i don't like about their looks 039. I have lied to a good friend in the past 6 months.
040. Sometimes life sucks.
041. I am usually pessimistic.
042. I have mood swings.
043. I think prostitution should be legalized. <~~ on principle alone...why should it be illegal? sex with anonymous partners is legal...paying for someone's company is legal... if one must resort to prostitues, its very sad, but i don't think it should be illegal 044. I think Britney Spears is pretty.
045. I have cheated on a significant other.
046. I have a hidden talent.
047. I'm always hyper no matter how much sugar I have.
048. I think that I'm popular.
049. I am currently single.
050. I have kissed someone of the same sex that I went to high school with.
051. I enjoy talking on the phone.
052. I practically live in sweatpants or PJ pants.
053. I love to shop.
054. I would rather shop than eat.
055. I would classify myself as ghetto.
056. I'm bourgie and have worn a sweater tied around my shoulders.
057. I'm obsessed with my blog!
058. I don't hate anyone.
059. I'm a pretty good dancer. <~ just not popular dancing 060. I don't think Mike Tyson raped Desiree Washington. 061. I'm completely embarrassed to be seen with my mother. 062. I have a cell phone.
063. I watch MTV on a daily basis.
064. VH1 owns MTV
065. I have passed out drunk in the past 6 months.
066. I have done illegal drugs in the past 6 months.
067. I have never been in a real relationship before.
068. I've rejected someone before.
069. I currently have a crush on someone.
070. I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life.
071. I want to have children in the future.
072. I have changed a diaper before.
073. I've had the cops called on me before.
074. I bite my nails.
075. I am a member of the Tom Green fan club.
076. I'm not allergic to anything deadly.
077. I have a lot to learn.
078. I have dated someone at least 10 years older or younger.
079. I plan on seeing Ice Cube's newest "Friday" movie.
080. I am very shy around the opposite sex.
081. I'm online 24/7, even as an away message.
082. I have at least 5 away messages saved.
083. I have tried alcohol before.
084. I have made a move on a friend's significant other in the past.
085. I own the "SOUTH PARK" movie.
086. I wish I could change things in the past that I now see as being incredibly
stupid.
087. When I was a kid I played "the birds and the bees" with a neighbor or chum.
088. I enjoy country music.
089. I love my best friend(s).
090. I think that Pizza Hut has the best pizza.
091. I watch soap operas whenever I can. <~~ only over at Cara'a apt. 092. I'm obsessive, anal retentive, and often a perfectionist. 093. I have used my sexuality to advance my career. 094. I love Michael Jackson, scandals and all.<~~~ at least his music and dancing 095. I know all the words to Slick Rick's "Children's Story". 096. Halloween is awesome because you get free candy. 097. I watch Spongebob Squarepants and I like it. 098. I have dated a close friend's ex.
099. I'm happy as of this moment.
100. I have gone scuba diving.
101. Had a crush on someone you've never met.
102. I've kissed someone I knew I shouldn't.
103. I play a musical instrument.
104. I strongly dislike math.
105. I'm procrastinating on something right now.
106. I own and use a library card.
107. I fall in "lust" more than in "love."
108. Cheese enchiladas rock my socks.
109. I think The Lord of the Rings is one of the greatest things ever.
110. I'm obsessed with the tv show "Lost."
111. I am resentful that I have to grow up.
112. I am an entirely different person around different people.
113. I think the world would be a better place if people just smiled more often.
114. I think ramen is the best kind of food in the whole world.
115. I am suffering of a broken heart.
116. I am a nerd.
117. No matter where I am or who I'm with, I always seem to be lonely.
118. I am left handed and proud of it!
119. I don't change who I am for someone else.
120. My heart resides below my feet.
121. I am a Senior in High School.
122. I enjoy smoothies.
123. I have gastritis.
124. I have nothing better to do with my time.
125. I am listening to Radiohead right now.
126. Most people call me by my middle name.
127. I once stole a music stand.
128. Pi confuses me.
129. I love NASCAR!
130. I own over 200 CDs.
131. I work 7 days a week.
132. I have mono
133. People tell me I have a horrible sense of humor.
134. I'm only wearing underwear.
135. I had more than one Thanksgiving dinner this year.
136. I've driven to a different state to see a band I liked.
137. I am the most overanalytical person I know.
138. I believe in wasting time.
139. I don't listen to much music.
140. I have a shoe fetish.
141. My favorite holiday isn't Christmas.
142. I prefer weeks off of work instead of days here and there.
143. I love sex.
144. I wanna go home.
145. I don’t know what I would do without my friends.
146. Christmas threw up in my house and I love it.
147. Friends is my favorite TV show.
148. I'm hungry
149. I'm still angry about the Nip/Tuck season 2 finale cliffhanger.
150. I'm a Potterhead and proud of it!
151. This is the 151st entry.
152. I lied about one of the items on this list.
153. My siblings are my best friends.
154. I believe cheese should be its own food group it is soooo good!
155. I have a problem expressing things.
156. I have lost a parent.
157. I am the most deprived person I know on the face of the planet.
158. I have at least one test tomorrow that I am not prepared for yet.
159. I love Slim Jims! even if they are really bad for you.
160. I am sick and tired of school so I am not going.
161. I love sundance <~~ i assume we're talking about the movie organization/channel 162. I do not watch television. 163. I love Starbucks coffee drinks.
165. Sometimes I think I'm supposed to be homosexual. <~~ just because i'm quite of effeminent...i have no such attraction to men 166. I forgive friends no matter what <~~ only my best friends
167. I second guess myself often.
168. I listen to Christian Rock often.
169. God's will leaves me very confused
170. I know who Mark Tremonti is. <~~ goddamn Creed/Alter Bridge...god they suck 171. I know who Damien Rice is and I love his music. 172. I’m Greek. 173. I own a rubber ducky 174. I love to cook
175. I have been to Europe <~~ Ireland kicked ass....i wanna go back

Some New Tsuris
4:32 PM

Sunday, March 20, 2005

ugh...i'm done with it. some things have got to change, and I'm going to change them. I'm tired of feeling like shit all the time. To quote Billy Joel, "I don't know why I go to extremes." I'm either really up or really down. right now, i'm the latter, and I don't know why. Well I do but this is neither the time or place to discuss it. All I can say is the bullshit has gotta stop, and I'm going to stand up for myself even more than I try to do now.

Fuck it, I'm out...

Ok, these are just some songs that either sum up how i'm feeling, or that i am listening to...or both...

"So we'll argue and we'll compromise
and realize that nothing's ever changed
For all our mutual experience
Our seperate conclusions are the same
Now we are forced to recognize our inhumanity
A reason co-exists with our insanit
and so we choose between reality and madness
Its either sadness or euphoria"
---Summer, Highland Falls by Billy Joel

"Close your eyes when you don't want to see
And stay at home when you don't want to go
Only speak to those who will agree
Yeah, and close your mind when you don't want to know
You have lost your innocense somehow
But ev'rybody loves you now

Ah, you know that nothin' lasts forever
And it's all been done before
But you ain't got the time
To go to Cold Spring Harbor no more

See how all the people gather 'round
Hey, isn't it a thrill to see them all crawl
Keep your eyes ahead and don't look down
Yeah, and lock yourself inside your sacred wall
This is what you wanted, ain't you proud
'Cause ev'rybody loves you now"
---Everybody Loves You Know by Billy Joel

"This name is the hairshirt I wear,
and this hairshirt is woven from your brown hair.
This song is the cross that I bear,
bear it with me,
bear with me,
bear with me,
be with me tonight,
I know that it isn't right,
but be with me tonight.

I go to school, I write exams,
if I pass, if I fail, if I drop out,
does anyone give a damn?
And if they do, they'll soon forget
'cause it won't take much for meto show my life ain't over yet.
I wake up scared, I wake up strange.
I wake up wondering if anything in my life is ever going to change.
I wake up scared, I wake up strange
and everything around me stays the same.

I couldn't tell you that I was wrong,
chickened out, grabbed a pen and paper,
sat down and I wrote this song.
I couldn't tell you that you were right,
so instead I looked in the mirror, watched TV,
laid awake all night.

We've got these chains, hang 'round our necks,
people want to strangle us with them
before we take our first breath.
Afraid of change, afraid of staying the same
when temptation calls we just look away

This name is the hairshirt I wear
and this hairshirt is woven from
your brown hair
This song is the cross that I bear
Bear it with me
Bear with me
Bear with me
Be with me tonight
I know that it isn't right
But be with me tonight"
---What A Good Boy by Barenaked Ladies

"Everybody knows the deal fell through.
I was hoping I could just blame you.
When was it that I became so soft?
This sentimentality doesn't look good on me.
I thought that you would be begging to be with me.
I'm the one on my knees blubbering please let me stay.

Deflated, and jaded.
I hated when you called which isn't at all.
I've spoken, though broken.
Here's a token of my love.

Thanks, that was fun
Don't forget, no regrets
Except maybe one.
Made a deal not to feel
God, that was dumb
Don't forget, no regrets
Except maybe one.
Made a deal not to feel"
--- Thanks, That Was Fun by Barenaked Ladies

Some New Tsuris
11:13 PM

Monday, March 14, 2005

Be afraid...be very afraid...

Some New Tsuris
10:17 AM

there used to be a cartoon on MTV called The Maxx or something like that, in which this giant purple thing with a row of HUGE teeth could go in between these two worlds. The real world, which is the world we live in, and this other world, that was like an African savannah. I wish I had that ability. To be able to, at the drop of a hat, go to a completely diffreent world and just think things out and just kinda run free for a while without consequence. And whenever I was done reflecting or whatever, I could just zap back into the real world and continue my existence.

Don't worry guys, nothing is wrong. I'm just dealing with some personeal demons right now. trying to not dwell on certain things. trying to figure some other things out. I know i'm wasting my time and energy on an endeavour, but I can't manage to pull myself out of it. I'm just afraid it'll start affecting things i really wish it not to. I really wanna be able to walk away from this with everything still intact, but i don't know how thats going to happen. Maybe getting away this summer will help me deal with that. The problem went away for a while, and i thought i was done with it, but it has resurfaced, and I'm kinda losing the battle again. fuck fuck fuckity fuck fuckterific fuckerson. that's what i say to THAT.

sorry for the cryptic writing again. I just don't wanna make this personal to anyone. if i decide i want to talk about it openly, i'll tell the people i need to in person. if not, then you will be none the wiser (said like Homestar Runner).

LSOH rehearsal was fun tonight. not a whole lot to talk about on that front. Kay is back home again. Good to see her tonight. Good to see everyone I hadn't seen in a couple of weeks. we have a small choir concert tomorrow for St. Patty's day. should be, um, interesting. i really hate choir. thank god this is my last semester. there is very little about choir that i find redeeming. a handful of people and my sense of responsibility is about all thats keeping me from walking.

sorry for the downer post tonight. I'm not in a particularly good mood. Not in a BAD mood persay, but definately not in a good mood. oh well...must get to sleep. start classes again tomorrow. gotta get up bright and early at 8am. sucks. ok im out

"All my life, waiting for somebody
Come and take my hand
All my life, waiting for somebody
Woa, yeah

Been down so long
Doesn't really matter
This downtown home
Been kicked enough and spurred
You come along
It doesn't really matter
I go it alone
Doesn't even hurt

All my life, waiting for somebody
Woa, yeah
All my life, waiting on somebody
Mm, yeah

I'm waiting for the day
That you come my way

I know down deep
I made a big decision
I'm going to sleep
I'm going there alone
I know damn well
I'm tired of all this cryin'
On my feet
As far as I can tell

I'm waiting for the day
That you come my way"
--- Waiting For Somebody by Paul Westerberg

Some New Tsuris
2:19 AM

Sunday, March 13, 2005

once again i have returned after a long hiatus. I've been soooooooooo f-ing busy lately, I haven't had time to post. But this means I have stuff to talk about. Treat for all you who still read this god, and author, forsaken thing.

So highlight of my past couple of weeks was that I went to SETC in Greensboro, NC. Had a blast. Interviewed with a whole bunch of theater companies, and ladies and gentleman, I'm happy to announce that I will be employed at Glimmerglass Opera House in Cooperstown, NY this summer!! How awesome is that?!?! my first professional gig. Down side is that I won't be in the 'Ville all summer. Its really going to suck being away from my friends for that long. I haven't seen my Shiksa for almost 2 weeks now, and I miss her SOOO much. I left for SETC, and when I got back, she had already left for NYC. Fortunately I had Lucille v5.0 to keep me company. Point is, that was 2 weeks....i will be gone for 2-3 months this summer. and no Lucille to keep me company either!! I'm going to miss both of them a whole whole whole whole lot. But I digress, I shall take the job, and hopefully learn a lot and earn some cash.

Lemme think, what else...

Congratz to the cast/crew of North High School's Pirates for Penzance. It was a marvelous production. Last night I went to see it with Jeni, and then tonight, Staci called me and asked me to see it with her. Both nights were thoroughly enjoyable . Tonight, after the show was done, I went to Denny's w/ Max, Sarah J. and Jessie. It was a lot of fun. Odd though. It was a night of TOTAL nostalgia. After Denny's, we went over to Sarah's house and watched The Grudge. Again, odd in that I hadn't been over there for about 3 years. As I said though, it was a lot of fun. I kinda missed those kids. Its amazing though how much we all have kinda changed. Not dramatically, just in the little things. I can't think of any specifics right now, but it was just something that I noticed. Such is the wonder of growing up.

So last night, I couldn't sleep...at all...for the life of me. So I watched the movie Swing Kids (which if you've never seen it, you should rent it....its AMAZING) but I was still like WIDE awake, so at about 5:30am, I hopped in my truck and tried to find somewhere I could get a good view of the sunrise. Had a lot on my mind, and I felt that that would help me put things into perspective. So I just headed east. Ended up in Reo. If you are unfamiliar with the geography of the tri-state area, Reo is about 10 minutes north of Owensboro, Ky. So its about 30-45 minutes away from Evansville. I drove for a while. I ended up heading south to Owensboro, just for the hell of it. Well as I was driving south, I caught a PERFECT view of the sunrise. It was totally breathtaking. I had to keep driving though, 'cause there was really nowhere to pull over. So I drove into Owensboro, stopped and had some breakfast, and got home about 7:30. Went to bed around 8. Woke up at 1:45pm. Then went and hung out at my cousin Chris's place. So I was a bum all day. It was nice. Tomorrow, its back to the grindstone. Gotta work on some homework and then I have rehearsal. Overall, it was a GREAT spring break.

I think thats all for now. Must leave you with a quote...hmmm...

"A bit of earth
She wants a little bit of earth
She'll plant some seeds
The seeds will grow
The flowers bloom
but is their bounty what she needs?
How can she chance to love that little bit of earth
Does she not know?
The earth is old and doesn't care if one small girl
wants things to grow

She needs a friend
She needs a father, brother, sister, mother's arms
She needs to laugh
She needs to dance and learn to work her girlish charms
She needs a home
The only thing she really needs I cannot give
Instead she asks a bit of earth to make it live

She should have a pony gallop 'cross the moor
She should have her doll's house with 100 rooms per floor
Why can't she ask for a treasure?
Something that money can buy, that won't die
When I'd give her the world she asks instead for some earth

A bit of earth
She wants a little bit of earth
She'll plant some seeds
The seeds will grow
Their flowers bloom
Their beauty just the thing she needs
She'll grow to love the tender roses
Lillies fair, the iris tall
And then in fall, her bit of earth will freeze
and kill them all

A bit of earth
A bit of earth"
--- A Bit of Earth from The Secret Garden

Some New Tsuris
2:20 AM